Having fun with the Akatsuki
by NinjasPleez0000
Summary: A lone girl simply wants to get a nice peaceful evening of relaxing in the hot springs after spending the whole day travelling by foot. Unfortunately for her, the Akatsuki are there too, and sooner rather than later she gets wrapped up in their shenanigans. Relaxation? I think not. * Contains colorful and perhaps questionably superfluous profanity* ..I blame Hidan.*cough*Cough*
1. Meanwhile, at the hotsprings

**I'd like to think this will go somewhere. Maybe, maybe not. I started writing this a while back just for kicks. I found it again recently in one of those suprising amuzing and yet incredibly lame moments when I look back upon my old work and think, " Oh my god! I'm Hilarious" and immediately regret it a few seconds later. **

**Well, enjoy it. Or not.**

It had been a long hard day.

Lerdavian had traveled all day, walking on the only lonely road that seemed to lead anywhere. She had made it to a hot spring inn that had happened to run a special that day. She naturally took advantage of it and got a room.

„..ahhh.." she exhaled as she sunk deeper into the deliciously hot water which sent shivers up her spine. The water felt so good on her tired muscles she felt like she was going to melt .

Then she heard yelling coming from the other side of the fence that divided the hot-springs.

"DAMMIT TOBI GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

There was a large splashing noise which was preceded by a large whacking noise.

"..but Tobi can't swim! HELP SENPAIII!SENPAII!"

"I'm not getting near that uhn.."said another voice.

"SENPAII!AHHH!". There was another large splashing sound and then gurgling noises. The slightly confused expression on Ler's face was slowly changing as a rather large vein began to make its appearance on her forehead.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DAMNED BRAT!"

"AHH! HIDAN'S TRYING TO DROWN POOR TOB...*gurgle**gurgle*SPLASH* Then there was the sound of wet footsteps on concrete.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIII..AHH FUCK!" There was a large thud and then a crack.

"DAMMIT KAKUZU WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Don't cause such a ruckus Hidan, I was only just able to get us a real bargain on the rooms and I _don't_ need us getting kicked out.." growled another low voice.

"FUCK YOU KAKUZU! I DO WHATEVER THE HELL I..."

"CAN WHOEVER IS ON THE OTHERSIDE OF THIS GODAMNED FENCE SHUT THE HELL UP!" Screamed Ler finally losing her temper.

"WELL WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND MAKE ME BITCH!"the annoying voice shouted back.

_That's it. Ler_thought to herself rising from the water just then casting a quick glance towards a woman with blue hair on the other side of the hot spring.

Hidan leaned against the edge of the pool and smirked after a long pause of silence from the other side of the fence.

"That's what I thought bi...", he was interrupted as a figure dive tackled him from the fence.

"DIE YOU SON OF A ..." Ler's rather obscene comment was cut off as she hit the water, effectively pouncing on the silver-haired ass-wipe. What? She thought it first. You were probably thinking it too!What? There was a large splash and not to mention looks of confusion on the faces of the other guys in the pool.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH GET THE FUCK OFF!" Hidan yelled attempting to flail his arms and somehow throw her off.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Fumed Ler. She was behind him and was attempting to choke him.

Itachi sweat dropped and quietly left the pool unnoticed.

"..Ummm..girl ..that won't work cuz he's immortal...yeah." said a voice to Ler's right.

Hidan was still flailing about and Ler was still frantically trying to choke him.

She looked up momentarily and saw a person with blond hair that parted over one eye. She was dumbfounded for a second realizing he wasn't turning blue at all.

"FUCKING PSYCHOTIC WHORE! I'M GOING TO..."

Then she gripped Hidan harder (not letting go of her vicious choke) and began shaking him more vigorously (who knew it was possible?).

"FUCK YOUR IMMORTALITY!" screamed Ler who had begun to beat Hidans head on the rocks on the side of the pool.

"DAMMIT BITCH THAT FUCKING HURTS! SHIT!" shouted Hidan angrily as his head was being repeatedly smacked against the rocks.

"OUCH!DAMN! FUCK!SHIT!BITCH LET GO!" he yelled. The other people in the pool were snickering bemusedly.

**(woo time-lapse :DDD)**

After about 5 minutes of smacking hidans head against the rocks he appeared to be ...er...out-cold , Ler looked up for the first time then sweat-dropped a little.

"...uh...Hi.." she said and made a quick little two finger wave with her freehand.

A weird blue man crept through the water and then stopped and smirked."...You _**do **_know that you are the only girl on this side of the baths.."he said stalkerly while creeping a little closer.

"..Uh.."Said Ler blushing, realizing her surroundings. Then she quickly jerked her head around and then used one hand and pointed.

"No I'm not! there's totally a blonde chick right there!"

"I AM NOT A CHICK UHN!" Yelled the pissed of blonde guy now standing up shaking his fist revealing an obvious lack of boobage. The bluish guy and the other misty figures in the pool began to snicker.

"..Oh.."Said Ler surprised and slightly embarrassed.

"..So..where were we.."Said the blue guy stalking creepily through the water who oddly enough looked like a shark.

".meep.."mumbled Ler terrified slowly backing into a corner using the unconscious guy as a shield/wall thingy. Then another random annoying voice came out of nowhere.

"TOBI WILL SAVE YOU GIRL-CHAN!" NYAAA!" there was a sudden flash of swirling steam and orange and then a large splash.

Ler blinked to prevent water from getting into her eyes and then looked up to see a strange figure with a swirly orange mask flailing about on the blue guy.

"HURRY UP GIRL CHAN!" yelled the masked guy.

"TOBI GET THE HELL OFF!" yelled the blue guy trying to pry the masked guy off his face.

"NO! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! TOBI MUST SAVE GIRL-CHAN FROM MEAN KISAME-SENPAI!" yelled the weird masked guy.

Ler quickly dumped Hidan and plopped on the other side of the fence in one fluid movement and ,fortunately, slipped away in the confusion unnoticed.

Thank Elvis for steam.

Ler's blood was still racing because she was still pumped after beating the heck out of that annoying guy.  
"Meh", shrugged Ler and she grabbed her towel and headed to get her things in the tiny dressing room. She walked into the room and threw a robe on and grabbed her stuff out of a cubby hole then stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind her. When she looked up the annoying silver-haired guy was there with an extremely pissed off look on his face.

"Move it dick-breath."Ler muttered as she pushed the guy out-of-the-way and began walking in the direction of her room.

"YOU INSOLENT FUCKING HEATHEN!"yelled the silver-haired rude guy.

"I'm tired you ass, I want to go to bed so leave me alone." Ler growled not turning to face him. Though secretly inside she was still too pumped to sleep.

"JASHIN WILL FUCKING..."Hidan began but was interrupted.

"I don't give a flying fuck what Jashin will do, leave me alone I'm tired.."she said casually, pausing for a moment.

"What the fuck did you say you fucking heathen bitch?" said Hidan his face slowly turning redder.

Deidara and Sasori were walking in the hallway when they heard the commotion in the hall.

"What's going on.."muttered Sasori disinterestedly.

"I think that Hidan is flirting with some chick.." replied Deidara.

"Hm."Said Sasori slightly amused.

"Oh? You want me to repeat myself? Fine." Said Ler toying with him.

" 'I .Don' . A. ." Ler smiled to herself then turned around to face the angry rude man.

"You..fucking..heathen..BIIIITCH!" Yelled Hidan running down the hallway.

"...Sonofa.."began Ler her eyes widening in shock. The angry guy was hurtling down the hallway. She began to turn but it was too late.

THUD!

They both hit the ground.

Hidan had tackled the chick..I mean..er..Ler to the ground. When Ler opened her eyes he was straddling her torso with a stupid look on his face like he was going to say something else. Ler flushed slightly due to the awkwardness of the position then somehow managed to knee him hard in the balls.

"AHHH!FUCK!JASHIN-DAMMIT YOU WHORE!GAAH!" Yelped Hidan as he rolled to the side clutching his valuables.

"You ASS!"yelled Ler in response, who was now standing up. She stepped over to where Hidan was rolling on the floor in agony and began squishing his head underneath her foot.

"GAAAH!"yelled Hidan.

Deidara was in pieces laughing at Hidan. Sasori..well..he was cracking up on the inside. Kisame and Kakuzu walked up to the other two.

"What's so funny Deidara..."said Kisame.

"That.."said Deidara tearing up from laughing so hard. He pointed at Hidan getting his head squished on the ground by some chick.

Kakuzu and Kisame glanced over and began laughing profusely.

"HAHAHA..That..dip.."began Kakuzu but couldn't finish due to the intensity of the laughter.

Hidan manage to twist to the side a little and yelled." YOU ASS KAKUZU! ONE OF YOU HELP ME!"

"Nah, it's more fun watching.." replied Kakuzu.

Hidan gritted his teeth then realized something else was within his range of vision. He called out suddenly.

" I SEE LONDON ! I SEE FRANCE! I SEE..." needless to say he didn't get to finish the phrase.

"YOU ….!" yelled Ler giving him one final kick that sent him flying into the other guys knocking them over.

Ler stormed off to her room which was just a little up the hall and slammed the door behind her.

_'Well that was fun', t_hought Ler sarcastically in her mind. She put some PJ's on and hopped in bed. It took a while to actually fall to sleep but once she did..she was a rock.

**Hopefully That wasn't too bad.**

**I know, I know, _"That's what she said."_**


	2. Return of the SilverHaired Asswipe

**A new chapter. The insanity continues. Oh Fun and Joy..**

**Why do I hear twilight zone space ship music all of a sudden..wierd.**

YAWN. Ler stretched her arms behind her back slowly sitting up in bed. Sunlight was already beginning to peer in through her window. She rubbed the night-stuff out of her eyes then proceeded to dress back into some traveling clothes.

~She wore some dark Capri cut pants and a tankish shirt. Over those she wore a long rugged duster. For shoes she was wearing her knee-high leather strappy boots today, she had a feeling today was going to be tougher than yesterday.~

She checked out from the Inn and began walking on the solitary road again...

** ~~~~~~~~~TIME LAPSE WHEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

It was now approximately noon, or at least somewhere near there, judging from what Ler could ordain from the sky. She saw a small village coming up in the distance. She figured it would be a good place to stop for lunch because she was getting pretty hungry.

She walked into the village and saw a restaurant off to her right. (she has pretty good luck right?) She approached the shop which was a small building that had a large covered porch type area with weighted bits of blue fabric that hung on the surrounding perimeter. She brushed the fabric aside and walked up to the counter to place her order. She wasn't feeling particularly choosy so she just got the special and picked a table to sit down at.

The food got to the table and it was some kind of deluxe udon with all the goodies...Aww yeah. She loved udon and began to eat when she had this strange feeling that told her to look up. She slowly lifted her eyes from her bowl only to meet the eyes of the silver-haired guy from the day before. He was sitting on the other side of the pavilion but once their eyes had met he began glaring ferociously and she shrugged slightly and ate a bit more of her soup.

She looked up again and that guy was still glaring at her from across the room so she glared right back. The tension in the room got pretty thick and some of the other patrons at the surrounding tables were a bit perplexed why their afternoon meal had become so awkward and uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"Hidan." Said Kakuzu slightly shaking the Jashinists arm.

"Look, I bought you the freaking BBQ special for once and if you aren't even going to eat it then I just wasted even more money on this stupid trip..." He didn't realize that the Jashinist was so busy glaring at the chick from the day before he couldn't hear anything he was saying.

"Hidan?HIDAN!" *SMACK* Kakuzu smacked Hidan upside the head temporarily distracting him.

"FUCK!" said Hidan rubbing his head a little.

"What the hell are you even looking at?" asked Kakuzu irately.

"It's that same fucking chick from yesterday..."grumbled Hidan eyes returning to glare at her. She was giggling. That bitch was fucking laughing at him!

"OOH!OOH!TOBI WANTS TO TALK TO GIRL-CHAN TOBI WANTS TOTALK TO GIRL-CHAN CUZ TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!" Squealed Tobi raising one hand in the air and jumping up and down.

"Tobi sit down! uhn." said Deidara shoving Tobi back into his seat.

"Awww"said Tobi pouting...

"Why do we even have to bring him into public with us..."said Sasori leaning on an elbow on the table.

"Hn."said Itachi boredly stirring the noodles in his bowl with chopsticks.

"This mission is to increase our over all efficiency as an entire unit so no matter how much of a disturbance he is it is imperative that he remains with us." replied leader coldly from the head of their table.

"Tobi's not a disturbance! Tobi's a good boy!" said Tobi matter-o-factly.

Everyone face-palmed and sweat-dropped with the exception of Hidan who seemed to be having some sort of intense glaring competition with someone accross the room. The group's attention was immediately turned to Hidan who was beginning to get up in his seat.

"Well, this can't be good.." said Kisame smirking.

The silver-haired ass-wipe was standing up from his table. '_was he really going to come over here?_' Ler thought taking another sip of her noodles. He was making a slowish approach walking between the tables. She glared at him so fiercely a rather observant patron thought he could see the lightning bolt between their eyes.

Hidan finally made it to her table and proceeded to speak...oh boy...

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?" snarled Hidan.

"Well I was eating lunch then some Silver-Haired Ass-Wipe interrupted me.."

"I'm the one that's fucking interrupting?, You're the one that's fucking glaring at me from across the room!" yelled Hidan.

Yeah.." said Ler standing up. Their glares were so intense the restaurant got silent. There was a brief pause.

"BITCH!" yelled Hidan shattering the ominous tension

"ASS-WIPE!" shouted Ler back.

"Well there goes our inconspicuousness..."Said Sasori nudging a spoon on the table. A large Vein began to make its appearance on leader's head.

"Leave it to Hidan to cause a scene" said Kisame.

"I'm actually surprised it wasn't Tobi this time uhn"said Deidara.

Meanwhile he insults being hurled picked up in intensity.

"WHORE!" screamed Hidan.

"DIP WAD!" yelled Ler in response.

"HEATHEN BITCH!"

"..umm ...excuse me ..." said a rather meek voice.

"WHAAT!" they both screamed.

Hidan and Ler turned to see a timid looking brown-haired girl with large brown eyes standing there wearing an Apron.

"My managers told me to tell you you're making a disturbance and you can either calm down or leave...", said the girl timidly who quickly turned to stare at the ground.

"Well I might as well leave seeing how you allow people like this ..."Ler made a pointing gesture at Hidan. „...into your restaurant." She turned and marched to the entrance. She was about to step outside when she heard an angry voice yelling behind her.

"BITCH!" a vein popped on her forehead. '_not this shit again'_ She thought as the silver-haired ass-wipe dove tackled her once more.

The two went tumbling outside of the restaurant and into the large dusty street.

"Well there goes the bitchy ass-hole.." said Kakuzu irately.

"Yeah but he's our bitchy ass-hole" sighed Sasori standing up.

"TOBI WANTS TO GO HELP GIRL-CHAN!" squealed Tobi hopping up out of his seat and scrambling towards the entrance.

"...and there goes our idiot..."said Sasori.

Muffled shouts came from the tangled mess rolling out the entryway. Finally ,the rolling heap came to a stop. Somehow Ler had managed to get the upper hand, or foot, or ...well..when you're rolling it's honestly really hard to tell. She had landed on top of the idiotic loud mouth guy and was winding up to smack him in the face. She paused for a split second realizing he had striking purplish eyes. _'To bad they belong to an irritating ass-wipe_' She thought then proceeded to punch him in the face repeatedly.

"OW!FUCK!" yelled the irritating man. His nose started bleeding .He pulled an arm loose and grabbed her shoulder and the rolling ball of violence continued on its' way.

"TOBI CAME TO SAVE GIRL-CHAN!" screamed Tobi moronically running into the street. He looked around confusedly.

"Where did girl-chan go?" he asked looking around.

Then he heard the sounds of shouting and yelps and he turned to his right. All of a sudden a rolling mass headed towards him.

"AAAAH" screamed Tobi, but it was too late he got mowed over by the ball of violence wrecking havoc in the street. The ball passed and Tobi's body did that funny little pancake thing that's always in the cartoons. (heheh aren't I mean heheh).

Tobi naturally re-inflated then stood up looking around. He screamed.

"AAAAAHHHSENPAI HELP POOR TOBI!"

The rolling ball of violence and mayhem began rolling after Tobi and Tobi started frantically trying to get away.

"I wonder what's going on out there..." said Sasori distantly as the group walked out the entry way.

They paused and a look of confusion stuck their faces as they gazed upon the odd scene before them.

Tobi was running away from what appeared to be a rolling black, red and brown ball of flailing limbs that was occasionally shouting colorful profanities.

Kisame, Deidara and Kakuzu burst into laughter while the other more silent members of the group kinda stood there.

"You! You're the Akatsuki aren't you?" yelled a voice from an indistinguishable clump of people who had appeared a little ways off in the distance.

"..I believe that's our sign to go leader.." said Sasori hollowly.

"Hidan quit being an Idiot and wasting time!" yelled Kakuzu.

The rolling wad of violence came to a stop about 20 ft away from where the others were standing. The chick was standing on him sorta with one foot on Hidan's back and hand full of hair yanking.

"FUCK!" said Hidan.

"Well It seems we can't just pry them apart...someone might lose a limb in the process.." said Kisame making a slight gesture to Deidara.

"Anytime Fishtick!" yelled Deidara angrily.

The group of Akatsuki sweat-dropped then turned to see the mob of angry people growing and getting closer.

"Hn..." said Itachi.

Itachi walked over to where Hidan and the chick were, and grabbed Ler and swung her over his shoulder. He turned and said to the angry mob.

"If dare move any closer I'll kill the girl..."He glared at the angry mob which slowly backed away frightened.  
Before Hidan or anyone could reply, Itachi darted out of the town and plunged into the forest.

All the other members followed suit.

"GAAH! PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWN!" yelled Ler as they went speeding through the treetops. Itachi was silent. They went sprinting through the forest for a good 15 minutes before happening upon a clearing. Itachi dropped Ler on the ground and stood back a little. She stood up.

The others had followed close behind, and appeared a few seconds later near Itachi.

"Well now what.." said Sasori boredly.

"We could sell her to the nearest brothel and that would boost the funds for our trip..."said Kakuzu.

"We could tie her up and let the wild animals get her..."said Kisame darkly.

"Can I eat her?"asked Zetsu optimistically.

Ler was kinda frozen in shock, not only did this group have a weird mask guy and a shark guy but they also had a weird plant guy. Were they like a traveling circus slash freak show or something? She was trying to imagine the spiky hair guy with the load of piercings in a circus leader hat and the shark guy jumping through a hoop held above a pool of water. A smile began to appear on her face though she didn't notice it. She even began to imagine the blue haired chick as an acrobat.

"What's up with her? uhn" said Deidara. Glancing over.

Her face was practically red and teary now, because she was trying to hold her laughter in. All of a sudden Ler imagined The blonde guy as a fierce Lion tamer and Zetsu being the weird green lion and The weird masked guy being a clown. It was too much.

She broke out into laughter and began rolling on the floor. She was clutching her sides and was laughing so hard she couldn't see. Then she erupted into a fit crazy hysterical laughter as she imagined the strange masked guy in a tou-tou doing psychotic little pirouettes as the acrobat chick swung from the ceiling.

"How dare you insult us with your laughter you heathen!" yelled Hidan stepping forward and raising his scythe.

"...or we could just let Hidan have her..."smirked leader.

"..But Leader-sama those funds would be really useful.." said Kakuzu pleadingly.

Unfortunately Hidan was already in action.

"Get ready to be enlightened in the ways of Jashin you heathen bitch!" smirked Hidan as he pulled out his scythe. (He didn't use the scythe earlier because it was too close range and he was in the middle of a fist fight and he was caught up in a fit of rage..)

"Heh?"said Ler inquisitively as she looked up from the ground to see the silver-haired guy...Hidan..holding a triple bladed scythe.

"MEH!" she said scrambling to get on her feet.

He came running towards her just like the two times before only this time he had a scythe...what to do..what to do..

Hidan came running at her full speed swinging his scythe.

"GYAAAH!" he yelled about to close the gap between them.

He swung.

Instead of slicing or dicing anything his blade swung through empty air.

"..huh." he thought then looked up. THUD!

Ler had jumped up and landed on his head then hopped off to the side.

"DAMMIT!" said Hidan. Ler stuck her tongue out at him.

"GYAAAH!" he yelled swinging his scythe at her but she kept dodging and smiling which only infuriated him more.

"DAMMIT BITCH STAY STILL!"

The rest of the Akatsuki sweat-dropped …

"I figure it'd been done with by now.."said Sasori. Approximately 5 minutes had elapsed.

"It's Hidan , of course he's going to take forever but now I think he's just screwing around.." said Kakuzu.

He was running around swinging his scythe at the chick who just kept laughing her head off and dodging. The Akatsuki were confused why she was laughing in the first place when a guy with a triple bladed scythe was chasing her threatening to sacrifice her in horrible ways to his blood loving god.

What they didn't know is that she was imagining him as a mime guy with a funny curly mustache, a top hat and monocle. She couldn't help herself even though she was really angry at him before.

Tobi, remembering how much he wanted to help her, popped up from out of nowhere startling Leader and Kakuzu a bit.

"TOBI WANT'S TO SAVE GIRL-CHAN!" declared Tobi as he scrambled off towards the other two.

"..Well this should be amusing..." said Kisame smiling creepily.

"You heathen! Jashin is going to relish your soul in the after.."*THUD!*

Tobi tackled Hidan who was now trying to pry the masked fiend off.

"DAMMIT TOBI! GET THE HELL OFF" yelled Hidan trying to kick Tobi off of him.

In Lers twisted little mind she began to imagine the masked guy..Tobi..as the lion in the circus show which made her laugh so much she fell down.

"OH MY GOD! THE MIME GOT TACKLED BY A LION HAHAHAHA!" She managed to chuckle out between her ragged breaths and hysterical laughter.

The other Akatsuki were really confused by this statement and Hidan was even more so.

"GO LION-SAMA GO! HAHAHAHAAA!" she yelled Rofling on the ground tearing and choked up with laughter.

"What the hell are you even talking about woman!" he yelled finally kicking Tobi off of him who went crashing into Deidara.

"SENPAI!" yelled Tobi as he went flying through the air.

*SMACK!*

"GET THE HELL OFF ME UHN!" yelled Deidara who began wrestling with Tobi.

Sasori sweat-dropped.

Hidan resumed swinging at her wildly. Ler suddenly stopped laughing and stood up remembering that this guy was trying to kill her and how angry she was at him.

He swung and she dodged the blade as it swung past her, and stepped toward him closing the gap a little. He began to swing from the other direction stepping forward as she did as well.

"HA!" he laughed thinking his blade was finally going to tear into her flesh. The split second before it could have, she landed one well placed kick right in the middle of his forehead knocking him out sending him tumbling back at least 5 feet.

"...well there goes that plan.."said Sasori.

"Haha Hidan fell down!" giggled Tobi.

"So can we still sell her to a brothel?" asked Kakuzu.

"..But Tobi wants to keep Girl-Chan!" said Tobi who leaped off of Deidara at that moment.

"..Well things would certainly be more amusing with her around..."pondered Kisame tossing the thought back and forth.

Ler who was still kind of hungry because her meal had been interrupted pulled a bean bun out of an unseen pocket in her duster and walked over and sat on top of the unconscious Hidan. It was a bit smooshed from wrestling with Hidan earlier which caused a large vein on her forehead to make a slight appearance, but she dealt with that by punching the unconscious Hidan on the head then proceeded to munch away. Nom, Nom, Nom.

"eh?" Said Deidara who got a feeling that he should turn his head to the side. When he did he saw the chick munching away on a bean bun like she hadn't a care in the world.

"Is it just me or is that chick weird?" said Deidara drawing attention to the chick.

Everyone's head turned to see the chick pause after finishing her bean bun. Her eyebrow raised and she sweat-dropped a little but then pulled out another bean bun and then went back to munching away. Everyone was confused except for Tobi who was excited and leader who was irritated.

"Can Tobi keep her huh? Can Tobi keep her as a pet?" asked an ecstatic Tobi who was jumping up and down pulling on leaders sleeve.

Leader thought carefully for a few seconds then spoke.

"Tobi you can keep her for a while... at least until we get to the next large town where Kakuzu can sell her to a brothel there."

"YAAAAY! TOBI CAN KEEP GIRL-CHAN!" squealed Tobi who ran off in her direction.

"eh?" said Ler looking up to see the masked guy speeding towards her. She swallowed her bean bun only to be tackled and knocked over.

Tobi began squeezing her with a mighty hug of doom. Ler was now being squeezed by a strange mask wearing man-child which would make anybody feel uncomfortable.

" Uh..you can let me go now.." said Ler sweat-dropping trying to break out of his death grip.

"Oh..sorry girl-chan.." said Tobi releasing Ler after several seconds of awkwardness and then rubbed the back of his neck.

"Umm..my name's Lerdavian but just call me Ler.." said Ler nervously.

"Kaay Ler-chan!" said Tobi happily jumping up and saluting.

"You should say high to the others Ler-chan!" said Tobi grabbing Ler's wrist and dragging her over to the group. He stepped on Hidan's back and hop skipped over.

"That's Deidara and he's my Senpai but we can share.." said Tobi ecstatically practically shoving her at him.

"Uh..yo.." said Ler giving him a little two finger wave which Dei nodded though obviously irritated by Tobi's antics.

"And this Is Sasori and he's made of wood " He leaped over and was about to knock on the side of his head but was stopped by the glare he gave him. So he just shrunk back.

"And this is Kisame he's like a shark and he's kinda scary and he's blue! Do you like blue things Ler-chan? I think Kisame-san is super strong!" continued the over caffeinated man-child.

"I think blue is alright.."she smirked and said playfully to the shark guy,

"I remember you from yesterday girly.."chuckled Kisame.

A mildly frightened Ler took a step or two back and was was about to respond when Tobi Jerked her aside again.

" Ooh This is Itachi-san He's like super quiet and serious all the time but I think it's cuz he think's he's cooler than all of uh...?" Itachi flicked Tobi in the head and walked away. Ler sweat-dropped.

"This is Kakuzu-san and he's creepy and has these weird tentacle thingies and he LOVES money so unless you wanna get tentacle-raayyGYAAAAAAHH!" Screamed Tobi as these black tentacles thread thingies came out from Kakuzu's cloak and picked him up into the air shaking him back and forth.

"PUT POOR TOBI DOWN AAAHHH!"screamed Tobi hysterically while frantically flailing his arms..

Ler giggled and said "Pinata anybody ?" and snickered again. Which made Deidara Kakuzu and Kisame smile.

Kisame stepped up and said, " I don't have a stick but I got Samehada here with me.." he began to snicker.

"Put him down .." ordered leader.

"aww...You're no fun." pouted Kisame.

Kakuzu dropped Tobi on his head.

"Ouchies! That hurt!" said Tobi rubbing his head.

"Oh and this is Zetsu-san, don't get near him when he's hungry" said Tobi hyper-actively pointing at the plant guy who had appeared near him.

"..uh...I like your flytrap thingy..it's really..uh..nice..." said Ler awkwardly shuffling her feet.

"Uh thank you..girl..**She might make a nice snack later...**" said White and black Zetsu respectively. Ler backed away from him slowly.

'And last but not Least Leader and Konan who are both kinda scary …but Tobi thinks Konan is really nice sometimes just not all the times..."

"are you finished with your moronic introductions now Tobi?" said Deidara.

"I think so but Tobi feels like he's missing someone..." Tobi sat down and began scratching his head..

"oh OH! Tobi remembered!" shouted Tobi hopping up and down.

"That heap over there is Hidan he's REAALLY mean to Tobi and Tobi doesn't like him at all and he does these creepy ritual thingies and Tobi's afraid to go into his room cuz Tobi thinks he keeps dead bodies in there..."Zetsu perked up at the mention of dead bodies.

" ehh...he makes a good bench."

Which elicited chuckle from Kakuzu and and a grin from Kisame.

"Leader-sama says that Tobi can keep you.." said Tobi stepping closer to Ler with his hands behind his back rocking side to side.

"eh...What the hell is that supposed to mean?" said Ler stepping back from Tobi genuinely creeped out.

"Leader-sama said Tobi can keep you as a pet!" said Tobi stepping closer to Ler.

Ler's eyes got really big then she punched Tobi in the face.

"Back off CREEP!"

"Aww...but Tobi likes Ler-chan!' said Tobi getting up rubbing his head.

"Stay...away...personal space.." she said backing even further away from him.

"But Ler-chan!"pleaded Tobi who got up and began chasing after her.

"AHH! Stay away! Stay Away!" screamed Ler running away from him.

Deidara began to laugh. " At least he's someone elses problem for a little while uhn!"

Ler ran back to the into group and hid behind Kakuzu.

"Please Kakuzu-san keep him away!..eh..I'll give you 10 dollars! Please Kakuzu-san?" said Ler frantically clutching onto the back of his cloak.

"eh.." said Kakuzu.

Tobi came running up to Ler who was hiding behind Kakuzu but fell flat on his face as Kakuzu surreptitiously tripped him with a tentacle thingy.

"Thank you Kakuzu-san." Said Ler bowing slightly.

"..money..."Said Kakuzu sticking his hand out.

"oh! Here!" she fumbled around in a pocket in her duster and handed him the money.

"Thank you so much!" she said bowing again quickly then giving him a quick hug.

A 'WTH' expression briefly crossed his face but before the infamous 'Get the Hell Off' expression showed up she let go.

They had to be a circus troupe because there is no way you can have a shark guy and a plant guy without being some sort of sideshow attraction! She thought. There was no way in her mind she could take these people seriously.

Ler decided to take a more carefull look at all of these people for herself..or rather, without a hyperactive man-child pulling her around by her wrist.

Ler walked over to the fish guy and stared at him a few seconds.

"...I could bite your head off you know .." said Kisame after the awkwardness settled in but she continued staring at him giving him this weird spacey look. Ler was trying to determine if he was half shark or if he was just really into body modifications. She looked at him up and down.

She paused making a very analytical face.

"What?" Said Kisame growing slightly nervous .

"Hmm..." was all she said slowly rubbing her chin.

" Are you messing with me or something girl because It'd take me all of a second to bite you in half..." said Kisame partly nervous and partially playfully. Her staring was making him uncomfortable.

She was still in deep thought...She finally came to the decision that he was like half shark and not into body mods taking the fact he wore a long cloak covering his whole body. She figured that someone who was into mods would want to show off their body more.

"I still think we should go swimming sometime..like to the beach or something.." grinned Ler.

Kisame was unsure what to say exactly..though he was secretly remembering the last time Itachi and him went to the beach together...talk about a nightmare...

Ler marched over to where Deidara was standing at him and stared at him analytically too. Deidara got uncomfortable within the first few seconds.

"What the hell do you want uhn?" said Deidara scowling and flipping his hair to the side a little. Ler just stared at him harder. She was looking at his nail polish and his eyeliner and hair and trying to piece together his personality.

"WHAT!" yelled Deidara losing his patience. She raised up one index finger and drew it really close to his face.

"eh?" said Deidara getting bug-eyed as the finger grew closer to his face. She waved her finger in front of his face Deidara's confused expression growing, though his eyes were still following the finger. Ler withdrew her finger and put it back down.

"Yep." she said to herself nodding.

"What the hell was that all about, uhn!" yelled Deidara.

"You are definitely the artistic type.." she said rubbing her chin face still in analytical mode.

"eh?" said Deidara confused on how she got that from her odd array of "tests".

"How did you know..?"began Deidara but Ler responded anticipating his reaction.

" I have a special art sense.." She said.

"how the?" he began again but ler simply pointed to a lone coarse gray hair that was now standing straight up on her head.

"Watch this." She stood next to Kisame and the hair felt flat. She stood next to Kakuzu and the hair remained flat. She stood next to Leader and the hair remained flat.

Leader Sweat-dropped.

She stood next to Sasori then the hair stood back up.

"Ahh another artist.. „"she said eyeing him quickly.

She then quickly ran over and stood next to the still passed out Hidan and the hair fell flat. She ran over to where Konan was standing and the hair started wiggling back and forth.

"huh" she said at the odd tugging sensation on her scalp. Ler raised a curious eyebrow at Konan but then ran off to stand by Deidara.

"See what I mean now.?" She said raising an eyebrow at him.

„You're kinda weird „ said Deidara...

"You kinda look like a girl.." said Ler still analyzing him.

"TAKE THAT BACK !" screamed Deidara raising his fists.

"Chill man.. I said kinda...only an unobservant idiot would think you were one"said Ler still rubbing her chin. Deidara scowled back at her. Tobi raised his head from the ground and said.

"When Tobi first saw Deidara-senpai he thought he was a girl for the longest time!"

Deidara scowled and then threw some clay at Tobi which exploded in his face.

"eh..besides..I think you're kinda cute in a pyromaniacal rebellious kinda way.." Said Ler still rubbing her chin.

"What the hell?" said Deidara blushing and backing away. Ler laughed loudly and began inspecting the Uchiha.

"Hn?" said Itachi ad Ler stared at him sizing him up. He poked her on the forehead with two fingers.

"You're serious...calm and...I feel like ..." Ler stopped knowing that saying too much about him might upset him somehow. She looked up at him.

" I like you" She said squinting at him and then walking away. She walked over to Kakuzu and hadn't even began to analyze him when he said,

" Step off kid."

Ler smiled really big.

"It's okay I already know I like you! Can I call you uncle Kuzu?" She grinned even bigger.

"What the hell? No you may not!" said Kakuzu backing up a step.

"How about Kuzu-san?"

"NO!"

"Kuzu-Senpai?"

"NO!"

"Kuzu-Kun?"

"Seriously girl What the hell? And NO!"

"HAAAAI! It has been determined Kuzu-Kun it is!" She said nodding her head in agreement. You can just imagine the expressions on everyone elses' faces. Leader face-palmed.

"ooh Tobi can't even call Kakuzu Kuzu anything, or his Senpai either, because Sasori Danna is so strict!"

"Shut it Tobi!" yelled Deidara who had created a little bird thing that began to chase Tobi around.

"Tobi don't wanna go boom! Tobi don't wanna go boom!" screamed Tobi running away from the little flying bird thing of doom. The bird eventually caught up with Tobi and exploded near his face.

"Yaay Uncle Kuzu!" yelled Ler about to jump on him.

" I don't think so .." Said Kakuzu grabbing her with his tentacles and suspending her in the air by one foot. He began to shake her around and Ler began to laugh maniacally.

Her laughter got so hysterical it was hard to tell whether she was screaming or laughing but probably a little of both. At this point Hidan woke up rolled over to see Kakuzu shaking the heathen bitch around.

"What the fuck Kakuzu I was going to kill that bitch!" complained Hidan running over to where the rest were standing.

"The plans have changed while you were napping." growled Kakuzu.

"WHAT!"yelled Hidan.

"We're selling her to a brothel in the next large town."

"I had dib's on killing her you shitheads!" You can't just do that!" complained Hidan.

"You technically had your chance... " growled leader.

Meanwhile above their heads where Kakuzu was shaking Ler like a baby. She began laughing again after a brief pause after noticing the ass hole was awake. She yelled down to Kakuzu,

"Tobi! Uncle Kuzuu! Watch this!"

"Tobi's watching Ler-chan!" Said Tobi scrambling over to see what she was going to do.

Hidan made a weird face.

"Uncle...Kuzu?" He broke out into laughter and began rolling on the ground.

"What the fuck did I miss HAHAH!" Hidan managed to choke out before bursting into laughter again.

"You don't want to know.." muttered Kakuzu.

Ler's face got serious again and she clapped her hands together with her fingers interlocking.

"SECRET ART! FRILL NECKED LIZARD NO JUTSU!" Kakuzu tensed up as well as Leader. They were all silently expecting something to happen. Itachi and Sasori were ready to strike.

*awkward silence*

(crickets)

*awkward silence*

Her coat tail fell behind her head.

"..." went Ler her eyes opening wide.

"..."went Tobi tilting his head to the side.

"..."Ler put her hand behind her head.

"That's all there really is to that heheheh..."

"That's Awesome Ler-chan!" squealed Tobi running back and forth.

Kakuzu immediately dropped Ler from some 10ft in the air.

"WEEE!" she said landing on top of Tobi's Head knocking him to the ground again.

"Yaay Ler-chan is next to Tobi!"

"NO FREAK!" screamed Ler kicking him in the face..I mean mask.

"Aww...poor Tobi..." whined Tobi as he began to look very pathetic.

"Fine" she muttered rolling her eyes and wrapped both arms around Tobi and began squeezing as hard as she could.

"Ler...chan..you're crushing Tobi's organs..heheh" said Tobi uncomfortably.

"I know.." said Ler an evil sparkle in her eye.

Tobi gulped hard.

Ler let go of Tobi. Tobi sat there in silence for a few seconds, perhaps he was unsure what to do?

After a few moments of motionless silence...

"TOBI'S TURN!" Squealed Tobi who turned around and wrapped his arms around Ler before she could move. Tobi began to squeeze really hard making it hard to breathe.

"GYAAH! TOBI LET GO PLEASE AAH!" she squealed.

"NO IT'S TOBI'S TURN" Tobi squeezed her even tighter and Ler seriously thought her pancreas or spleen was going to explode.

Then Ler noticed something all of a sudden.

"Tobi you have nice abs.." she managed to choke out surprised. For Ler it was one of those it's really hard to not notice because you were crushing me in a super tight awkward hug anyway.

There was a really super ultra awkward silence right here complete with crickets and the whole nine yards except for Hidan who was still too busy laughing and teasing Kakuzu about the whole uncle thing.

"Uncle Kuzu?" Hidan said mockingly between laughs.

"What the hell kind of family tree did you fucking fall out of HAHAHAHAAA!"shouted Hidan at Kakuzu who had a growing vein on his forehead.

"Shut the Hell Up" responded Kakuzu sharply kicking Hidan in the ribs. Hidan was still laughing, clutching his ribs, but still laughing.

"Really?" said Tobi Letting go.

"I wouldn't have said anything if they weren't just crushing me now.." Said Ler. Tobi scratched the back of his head.

"It might be because Tobi likes to work out a lot !" said Tobi flexing his biceps. Ler noticed odd wrinkles in his shirt.

"Really?" she said scooting closer to Tobi then lifting up his shirt.

" ack!" said Deidara and Kisame and averting their eyes.

A lone frying pan came rolling out from underneath his shirt and settled in the middle of them. Cue the crickets.

"...What..the ...Hell.."muttered Deidara eyebrows raised really high, pupils dilating.

"...are you sure it had absolutely nothing to do with that frying pan over there?" said Ler raising an eyebrow.

"..uh.." said Tobi.

"Tobi's pretty...sure.." replied Tobi nervously.

"Why did you even have a frying pan?"

"So uh..Tobi can make..pancakes?" replied Tobi growing more and more nervous.

"So you kept it in your shirt?..."Ler said attempting to follow his train of thought.

"Well Tobi doesn't have a backpack..."

Ler's vein popped out of her head .

"Uh..Ler-chan? It's okay...right? You forgive Tobi?"

"TOBI I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" yelled Ler who had tackled Tobi and began trying to beat him up. Tobi somehow managed to slip out of her grasp and began running.

"AAAHH!" screamed Tobi.

"STOP RUNNING YOU LITTLE BRAT!" shouted Ler after the squealing Tobi.

"Somebody stop them..."growled Leader rubbing his temples with his hand. Kakuzu grabbed Ler by the foot and suspended her in the air again. Tobi stopped running and began to catch his breath.

"Kuzu-Kun put...me..down!" shouted Ler swinging back and forth from his tentacle. Hidan ,who was just recovering from laughing at her last name for Kakuzu, heard her say this and began laughing all over again.

"You do know we're going to sell you to a brothel as soon as we come to the next town right?" Said Sasori coldly looking up at her. Ler's face was shocked.

"Holy crap you look like an ant from here Sasori-Danna!" shouted Ler pointing with one hand.

"You do realize you're only 10ft off the ground." said Sasori.

"You do know that you have red hair which makes you look even more like an ant!" Said Ler. Sasori sighed and walked over to where Leader and Konan were standing. Leader sighed.

"Kakuzu, you know what time the reservations are, we've wasted enough time here..."sighed Leader. Kakuzu carefully brought Ler back to the ground.

"Who want's to carry her cuz I'm sure as hell not.."stated Kakuzu crossly.

"Aww...Why not you're her Uncle Kuzu-Kun?"teased Hidan. Kakuzu back handed him.

"Fuck!" he replied rubbing his forehead.

**What better way to end a chapter than with profanity. Hnh.**

**Why do I feel like all of theses thingies at the top and bottom of the page have been so incredibly sarcastic..Hn.**

**Meh. **


	3. Well that was awkward

**OMG! This is the awkward chapter! YES! This one was fun. eheheh*note* The awkward scene gets really intense. I like it so much though.****Oh and Kisame is wearing a tank top so I guess the only parts of him really exposed is his arms, face, and some of his chest aparently.** I might go back and change what Leader Does, Maybe someone should throw a rock. I also wanted to keep a lot of the original personalities of the characters, so I'm prolly gonna have to turn the insane psycho knob up to 11 pretty soon.

"Tobi want's to carry Ler-chan! Tobi want's to carry Ler-chan!" yelled Tobi running over to her.

"HELL NO!" She screamed and kicked him in the face.

"Shark guy can carry me then!" Kisame perked up.

"Are you sure girl? I just might decide I want a snack along the way and you might start looking pretty delicious." growled Kisame.

"It's okay.." Said Ler folding her arms behind her head.

" I have back-up Dango."

"ooh Dango Tobi wants Dango!" Squealed Tobi heading towards Ler. Ler just glared at him and Tobi backed off.

"Fine..hop on but no guarantees.."grumbled Kisame eyeing her hopefully. She stared at him blankly.

"Your sword's in the way.."

"And...?" He replied.

"Can't you make room?"

"No.."

"Why not?"

"No one else can carry my sword but me..."

"Oh really?"said Ler skeptically.

"You figure it out since you're so adamant about it.."

"C'mon Kisame-san help me out? Please?"

"No.."

"Please Kisame-san?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Pleeeeaaaase?"

"NO!"

"Pretty Please?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"NO!"

"Pretty Pleaaaaasee" whined Ler.

"NO! GIRL..you figure it out you're the one that wanted to ride me...GAAH!" snapped Kisame before recognizing the humor in what he had just said. Kakuzu and Deidara began snickering causing Kisame to blush.

"Aww...Why doesn't Ler-chan want to ride Tobi? " pouted Tobi. Deidara and Kakuzu laughed at Tobi.

Itachi smirked and said..."Perhaps it is because you lack something?"

Everyone was in tears. Leader just kind of stood there with the extended face palm expression on his face. Konan was pretty sure if there was a wall there he'd be repeatedly banging his head against it. Sasori didn't understand or pretended not to and just stood there.

"Tobi isn't lacking anything! Tobi thinks Tobi' would be better because he doesn't have a giant sword to get in the way!" Said Tobi shaking a finger and rocking his hips side to side. Everyone laughed harder and Kisame blushed harder.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Kisame.

"Hey we're on your side Fish fry!" snickered Deidara.

"Perhaps the only reason she wants to ride you is because of that big sword Fish stick.." teased Hidan. Ler and Kisame blushed hard.

"SHUT IT !" Yelled Ler backhanding Hidan.

"FUCK!"yelped Hidan in surprise.

"You know it's true..."he teased while rubbing his head wearing a slightly pouty face.

"FINE WHATEVER!" shouted Ler.

" I have a plan Fish-face. You can either carry the sword in front of you or I'll take care of it." replied Ler defiantly voicing her declaration.

"What do you mean take care of it?" asked Kisame raising an eyebrow.

"Are you gonna make someone else carry it, ooh or do you think you can destroy it I really want to know?" He growled sarcastically pulling out Samehada.

"SHRINKY DINKY NO JUSTSU!" Ler turned and clapped her hands together to make a hand sign.

Everyone looked at each other for a few seconds and then burst into laughter.

" ..And what exactly was that supposed to do girl ...eh?"Kisame looked at his sword and it had began to feel different.

Samehada began to shrink.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO SAMEHADA!" shouted Kisame. Ler stuck her tongue out and put her hands on her hips.

"I'm taking care of the problem." She flicked some imaginary dirt off of her nail.

Samehada was now a half of it's original size.

"GAAAH! Make it STOP"yelled Kisame starting to panic. Ler looked at the back of her hand.

"Meh..not yet.." Ler said casually.

Samehada was now a quarter its original size.

"GAAH SOME BODY HELP!" Kisame was really starting to panic.

Samehada was now an eighth of it's original size.

"Itachi-san please?" begged Kisame on his knee's before the Uchiha.

"...I.."began the Uchiha but then he stopped, hesitating.

Samehada was now the size of a key-chain decoration. Itachi's eyes grew wide for he had not seen Jutsu such as this before.

"...My poor poor Samehada...", lamented Kisame holding his now miniscule sword in open palms.

"Don't worry Kisame-san I'll turn it back Later.." Said Ler in a falsly consoling voice.

"TOBI NEXT TOBI NEXT TOBI WANTS TO BE TINY!" Tobi was jumping up and down waving his arm around like an academy student.

"No.."declared Leader.

"Someone may be tempted to squish you." he ended. Deidara, Kakuzu and Hidan glared at Tobi. Ler jumped on Kisame.

"CARRY ME SHARK-BOY!" Kisame sweat-dropped and did so.

The troupe was off.

Ler had been traveling with the circus troupe people for at least two hours now. She had noticed the blonde guy and Tobi liked to fight a lot, as well as Kakuzu and Hidan. Itachi was generally silent only making minimal responses. Leader and Konan were like the quiet overseers. She had the feeling they felt more like babysitters than actual troupe Leaders. Konan began to feel more like a secretary than an acrobat. She brushed that speculation off. _'why would any of the ground team need to travel with the performers?'_ She thought to herself. Then as they were flying through the trees a branch gave way making the big guy stumble a little causing Ler's face to brush against the back of his neck.

"Holy Crap! Your skin feels weird!" exclaimed Ler leaning back in surprise.

"...Well I have many shark like qualities..." responded Kisame sharply.

"..It's so..."Ler became lost for words and began rubbing her cheek on the back of his neck .

"..G-Girl...W-what the hell are you..doing?" shouted Kisame blushing very slightly. The rest of the Troupe was to busy bickering and ignoring each others bickering to notice.

"Your skin feels so ..so...rough..yeah...rough and good..." Ler leaned over more and began vigorously rubbing her cheek on the side of his face.

"Girl! If you don't stop I-I'll ... drop you..." Shouted Kisame a bit louder than before his blush growing more intense. Still the others weren't paying attention.

"..Now it's warm..oooh..." said Ler continuing to rub vigorously.

"Girl I S-swear I'll..."*CRUNCH!* Kisame had been distracted by Ler and had jumped onto a bad branch which broke beneath them causing them both to go plummeting to the ground.

"GYAH!"

"AAA!"

The other people turned around to see what was going on and then noticed that there was no Kisame and Ler there.

*KA-THUD!*

Ler was glad she landed on a giant soft object because the ground would've really hurt. Ler grasped the object with both arms spreading out a little on it. Then she noticed something weird. It had a nose.

"Get..off.."

How weird since when does the landscape speak, or have a nose for that matter. Then she opened her eyes to find she had somehow managed to land on top of Kisame. Wow He's a really good fall cushion.

"I said Get..Off..girlie."breathed Kisame was quite obviously irritated.

Ler then noticed that his cloak had become undone and he was wearing a white tank top. She raised her eyebrow then moved her hand to the side to get off but as she put her hand on the ground it grazed his arm. Her eyes shot open. Then she remembered.

"Ohmigosh I forgot your skin is wierd!" she exclaimed eyes widening a little.

"..Yeah I think we've covered that now please...get..off. Girlie." snarled Kisame. Her finger trailed down his arm.  
"Or do I have to throw you off." He questioned.

Ler was already lost in the weird texture his skin had, she knew that shark skin felt like sand paper but his wasn't all the way sandpapery it was somewhere between the two.. it was began rubbing her cheek on his chest and flailing her hands about experiencing the weird texture.

"Girlie get Off!" Shouted Kisame, who was obviously irritated now. Again but his calls fell on deaf ears because Ler was too busy obsessing over that weird texture his skin had. Kisame was blushing very intensely by now because not only was this chick on top of him but she was also making repeated vigorous contact with his skin. Yeah, I know, even though he was a big scary guy with thick sharky skin doesn't mean he's completely impervious to the sensation of touch. Albeit, he was still very pissed off.

"Girlie...I-I mean it.."He struggled to get out. His blush was red-hot on his face and a bead of sweat appeared on his brow.

"..so..rough.."murmured Ler as if in a trance.

Her touch was feeling increasingly good to Kisame and he in turn began biting his lip. His arms rose at his side as if to push her off, and in fact managed miniscule tug."G-g-girlie..g-g-get o-off" He managed to stutter out through clenched teeth, anger welling up inside him. He got no response only her odd murmurs. He squeezed his eyes shut it felt too good and he really couldn't help himself. He had half the mind to throw her against the tree, stand up and begin hurling colorful profanities as well as mentioning quite a few slow and sadistic ways to kill her. Most off which involved sharp kunai and gouging of some sort.

"Uh..uhh." a small groan escaped him. He clenched his eyes tighter. He cursed his body for reacting. His hands fell to his sides. Well this certainly doesn't happen regularly. "..G-Girl!" His muscles tightened and he gripped a handful of grass. He finally managed to choke out a word. Kisame felt rather trapped. A portion of his mind tempted him to throw her with spine breaking force into a nearby tree and another wanted to just sit back and enjoy the attention while it lasted. _Fuck it_. He thought.

"...so..rough..so..weird..so..good.." murmured Ler in her weird trance state., and she began practically burrowing her head into his chest intensifying the contact even more.

"Gyah..", by now Kisame was squeezing his eyes shut as hard as he could. His blush turned his face almost a bright purple. Then girlie squirmed suddenly causing him lose it a little.

"uh..it..feels ..uh...good...uh.."He moaned out. The sweatdrop rolled to the ground.

Then the trees rustled slightly followed by a succession of several tmping sounds.

Leader and the gang were there.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Leader shaking his fist furiously. Konan moved to his side.

Ler hadn't stopped her motions. Kisame struggled but somehow managed to lean himself up to his elbows.

"I-it's not w-what you think...gyah..uh!" Kisame flinched at the end because the girl had resumed a higher intensity of burrowing her face into his chest and rubbing her hand accross his exposed skin.

A small trickle of blood seeped out of Deidaras nose.

Hidan whistled. Kakuzu backhanded him. The others just kind looked blankly.

"Stop this NONSENSE!" screamed Leader moving closer Konan close beside him.

Then fortunately for poor Kisame who looked like he was about to explode she noticed Konan out of the corner of her eye and immediately jumped up, accidentallt kicking Kisame in the face while doing so.

"Look he has rough skin!" shouted Ler sticking her hands out in front of her to show Konan.

"uh.."murmured Konan. Her hands were now slightly pinkish red.

"That's nice...", she replied honestly not knowing what to say.

"You're a weirdo.."said Deidara

"Yeah and your a pyromaniac.." said Ler drawing close to Deidaras face making his eyes get a little wide.

"..The ..fuck.." were the only words Deidara managed to say before the closeness of their two facess began to psyche him out."DAMMIT WOMAN!" yelled Deidara. Who stomped off to stand over by his was breathing heavily trying to catch his breath blush slowly dissipating.

"See Tobi she did pick him because he had a big sword why else would she be feeling him up so vigorously." Whispered Hidan slyly to Tobi who was somehow near him. Tobi's shoulders slumped and he seemed very very sad.

"Hey fish-stick, someone was bound to jump you sooner or later.!" Shouted Hidan at Kisame who was now a mess.

"FUCK!" Kakuzu had smacked him upside the head.

"SHUT UP or I'll break every single one of the bones in your body!" replied Kisame.

"SHUT Up Let's just get going.." sighed Leader who hopped up into the treetops.

Everyone followed suit except itachi and Kisame, who was now nervously adjusting his cloak and standing up. Itachi walked over to where Ler was standing. He drew his face close to her ear.

"...my...shark..." He only uttered two words then hopped up into the trees as well. Ler though it was best to interpret the words as a threat and decided to try not to bother the shark too much. She walked over to Kisame who was standing there stiffly facing the forest.

"Kisame..Let's go..." He jumped a little as if startled.

"Oh..okay ..." He replied allowing her to jump on his back once more. Unbeknownst to all, or at least those who were too stupid to realize it, there were absolutely no lascivious intentions behind Ler's actions. Then they were into the trees and kept going again.

Now that they were back into the tree tops Ler was being careful not to make full contact with the shark because of her mild fear of the Uchiha. She knew should take his threat seriously because of what she could ordain from his personality.

Time was elapsing maybe another hour had gone by and she was getting kind of sleepy. She decided Itachi wouldn't mind a light nap so she gently rested her head on Kisame's back and closed he eyes.

Kisame felt her head lean against his back and his blush came back a little. He knew that her actions earlier were entirely innocent but he couldn't help the way it made him feel. He shrugged slightly deciding that entertaining this fancy for a bit longer would be harmless. A grin spread across his face and a dark shadow crossed over his face.

Deidara absentmindedly looked back and saw Kisame's creepy expression and turned his head back around, thoroughly creeped out. Though Deidara couldn't see it Kisame had a slight blush on his cheeks but it was indistinguishable in the shadows. Itachi glanced over to his partner. He knew him better. He was afraid of that girl changing him, affecting him making him...weak..was that it?

"Kisame.."Itachi spoke.

"We're here!" shouted Leader-san ,effectively interupting Itachi, dropping down through the treetops and wordlessly the others followed suit.

** On the note of Ler kinda messing with all the characters, I kinda have a thing for a lot of them but that's just it..a thing. It's actually not that much of a decisive thing in and of itself. It kinda sits there, and occasionally twitches when something awesome happens (like when Hidan does his psycho laugh). I'd like to think this "thing" bears an incredible resemblance to no-face from Spirited Away. You could almost say I don't have a preference, except for the fact Hidan is awesome, Hidan is awesome and Hidan is awesome. I actually don't have that much of my blob thing dedicated to Kisame, because I honestly wrote this story around the time I saw that one random part in Shippuden when Kisame gets all sad because He's blue, and then Deidara feels bad because he didn't mean to make him depressed with his remark. So then I thought maybe...yeah...*blink**blink*...did I get sidetracked?**

**To brothel or not to brothel! ...That may or may not be the question...uh..42..oh and Shrinky Dinky no Jutsu...yes..it was done. Does it make you wonder about what other Jutsu I have? Oh ho ho! I saw it! You're mind went into the gutter! I know it did. MUAHAHAHA. ...um..yeah**


	4. Arrival at last but wait explosives

**The madness continues! Or at least... I think it does.. *whistles* You know this was all just one large gigantic chunk I had to somehow manage to chop into pieces to make it more...chaptery. Blegh. never...Again.**

There was a small field and then a large white wall with a large arched wooden gate.

"Kakuzu come with me to check the reservations. Itachi check the layout.."

"HEY YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME BEHIND THAT EASILY YOU BASTARD!" yelled Hidan angrily shaking his fist at Kakuzu.

"If you insist come with us.."replied Leader.

"Hell Yeah!" Hidan pumped a fist in the air.

The three walked off. Leader turned around and said, "Sasori watch the idiots." then kept on walking.

Deidara stood there silently eyeing Tobi who had begun to pick flowers. Zetsu was peeping up out of he ground a little though he was arguing with himself about something. Ler was still sleeping on Kisame's back though Kisame didn't mind...not at all. Sasori sighed.

' I'm off to go find Itachi.."Said Sasori walking off into the city gates.

"But danna un.." said Deidara taking a step forward but Sasori had already disappeared into the gates. Deidara glanced over at Kisame;. He was making an even scarier face than before so he quickly tuned around to see what Tobi was doing.

Little did he know that Kisame's perverted thoughts were reaching a new height causing his blush to darken and a small trickle of blood to appear outside of his nose. He began to chuckle.

He knew the girl had no idea, that she was completely oblivious to everything other than his weird skin texture. Maybe, he wanted to hope... He wanted ...something...he couldn't name it..or didn't want to name it. He couldn't help but replay the moment in his head again and again. He wanted..could he ask her? ..No.. so he just kept on playing that scene over again in his head.

Blood trickled out of Kisames nose running to the side of his cheek. He felt the weight on his back shift and he noticed Ler was awake again. Ler hopped off of his back and stretched.

"how long was I out?" yawned Ler rubbing her eyes.

"Maybe 30 minutes" replied Kisame facing away from her. Ler leaned against the tree that Kisame was standing near and she reached into her coat. She pulled out a small canned beverage and began drinking. Ler eyed the shark guy. He was intimidatingly large. He had a very tough front that he put forth with everyone, and with his voice no one questioned it. Something made here feel there was something more there. She took another sip of her beverage. Kisame wiped the blood off his face with a sleeve then turned around and took a step closer to her.

"Ler-chan..I..."Kisame spoke downwardly. Ler raised an eyebrow.

"..Yes.." said Ler inquisitively taking another sip of her beverage. Kisame inched closer to her.

"Do you ah..."he began again.

"What?"asked Ler. Kisame inched even closer to her practically arms length away. He couldn't stand it anymore. He reached his arms out and wrapped them around her.

"..eh?"said Ler shocked.

"If you wanted a hug big guy all you had to do was ask." Ler smiled and drank the rest of her beverage tossing the can aside. She flung her arms around the big guy and gave him a big squeeze. Screw Itachi. Their faces were touching slightly. His cheek was warm.

"Well Ler-chan I was actually hoping for something else..." he trailed off. Ler's eyes shot wide open.

"YOU PERVERT!" Ler shouted and then punched Kisame in the face sending him flying backwards. Suprisingly strong though Kisame towers over her.

Tobi's Ler-chan senses alerted him to her plight and he yelled out.

"TOBI WILL SAVE YOU LER-CHAN!" He sped off toward Kisame-san. Tobi dove to tackle Kisame but he somehow managed to fly over him as he tumbled backwards so he ended up tackling Lerdavian instead.

"YAAAY LER-CHAN!" squealed Tobi.

"TOBI GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" screamed Ler wrestling to get Tobi off but he had like super suction arms or something. Deidara heard the noises and turned around to see what was going on.

"DAMMIT TOBI!" shouted Ler trying to push him off.

"..But Tobi likes Ler-chan.."whined Tobi still clinging.

"Yeah..as a fucking pet!" yelled Ler who punched Tobi in the face/mask sending him flying. Deidara's eyes widened that annoying orange mass was heading toward him. He scrambled to run away from it but he couldn't.

WHAM! Tobi went crashing into Deidaras chest leaving him breathless. Deidara was on the ground panting with Tobi on top of him.

"Wow Senpai! I guess we can say that I really take your breath away!" Tobi snickered.

"TOBI I'M GOING TO BLOW YOU UP!" Deidara shot straight up and tried to shove clay down his throat. Tobi wrestled himself free and began running away.

"TOBI DON'T WANNA GO BOOM!" Tobi shrieked. Zetsu looked up from his argument to see the mad bomber chasing after Tobi throwing bits of exploding clay at him.

"DAMN YOU!" Deidara was running after Tobi not noticing that he was heading toward Zetsu.

"DAMMIT YOU BRAA...OOF!" Deidara tripped on Zetsu's head sending him sprawling on his stomach.

"**Ooo Lunch**.." said black Zetsu excitedly. Zetsu leaped to grab Deidaras foot but Deidara rolled out of the way and continued chasing Tobi. Zetsu began chasing Deidara.

"Wait.!.**My snack**!"he cried.

"GACK GO AWAY!" shouted Deidara throwing a clay bomb into Zetsu's open mouth.

"KATSU!" KABLAMM! The bomb exploded leaving smoke coming out of Zetsu's nostils who began chasing furiously after Deidara.

"**I'LL CHEW YOU IN TWO!**" He roared. The running trio were running around the field madly heading back over to where Ler and Kisame were.

"AAAHHH!" Tobi cried as clay exploded near his butt. Tobi was distracted by the blast and tripped over Kisame who was out-cold on the ground. He went flying into Ler making her land flat on her back.

"WHY You STUPID!" she began but she was cut off by and explosion near her face. She threw Tobi to the side and stood up.

"YOU ASS! WATCH WHERE YOU THROW YOUR SHIT!" screamed Ler.

"NOT MY FAULT YOU GOT IN THE WAY!" deidara yelled back. Deidara and Ler dove to tackle each other, but Tobi being the idiot that he is, sprung in between them and yelled joyously.

"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!"...before getting smooshed into their ball of violence. Zetsu decided messing with them would take too much work so he began nibbling on Kisame.

The rolling ball violence was spinning chaotically though the field randomly exploding patches of flowers.

Leader walked back into the clearing with kakuzu hidan and konan following him. He scanned the area in front of him but the others were not there. A sudden explosion to his right drew his attention. His gaze panned over to see yet another rolling ball of violence

"WHA THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!' seethed leader flipping out instantly.

The duo looked up instantly distracted.

"Stop this immediately or I'll rinnegan both of your asses to hell and back!" Screamed leader.

Their ball of violence started to come to a stop but zetsu popped up behind them causing Deidara, who was somewhere between trying to strangle Ler and punch her in the face and Ler who was trying to push away, to lunge forward suddenly causeing their mouths to meet.

They both jumped up immediately. Tobi rolled to the side inconspicuously

"GYACK GYACK GBLEGH!" was the only sound that issued from either of their mouths.

"ZETSU YOU DAMN PLANT!" Screamed Ler and Deidara simultaneously.

"nyeh heh heh..." chuckled Zetsu as he sunk creepily into the ground before the two could get their hands on him.

**Actually not 100% sure where to go from here. Made this a while back and it has been sitting on my comp doing nothing. Hn. Decisions Decisions. Oh and while I'm here. Kisame 's intention was to ask for a kiss, but for the sake of comedy every where, he had to get smacked. Ler's no fool. She's like an Onion. she has ...Layers. Although there are no other existing similiarities between her and onions. Honest.**

**To be honest I have no Idea what Kisame was thinking about, but don't you think that when a big scary guy like him made a perverted face the only thing anyone could ever illicit from it is fear? heheh. Poor **

**Oh ...yeah...**

** TheBest insult ever. you damn plant. XD**


	5. The fairlysemisober Akatsuki

**Sorry if this one is a little ...blah...I've been tired the past few days and it makes writing something high energy difficult. Hopefully you get a few lols out of it.**

" DEIDARA! KISAME! TOBI! QUIT FUCKING AROUND OR I WILL CUT YOU ALL OPEN AND LET CROWS TO EAT YOU FROM YOUR THE INSIDE OUT!" Screamed Leader.

Everyone jumped straight up, immediately standing up as straight as possible.

" AND WHERE THE HELL IS SASORI!" raged Leader.

" heheh.." Kisame laughed nervously.

" Well..he..uh..left" answered Deidara.

"DAMMIT! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...GYAH!" Leader was fuming. He was Pacing back and forth. Konan made a gesture as if to pacify Leader, though the effort was ultimately futile. He was still pissed.

"..sounds like someone's gonna get their ass handed to them.." whispered Kisame to Deidara. He chuckled but stopped abruptly when he noticed Leader was glaring.

"So...How'd it go?" Started Deidara, awkwardly grasping at conversation. He began to fidget.

"Well there was some woman and her husband standing in front of us and apparently they were attempting to check out, but that damn woman had brought so much shit with her and I wouldn't have been surprised to find a kitchen sink or two inside the shit -ton of luggage she brought...and perhaps even Hidans missing intelligence" commented Kakuzu rather irately. " Well... I admit..we'd be hoping for a miracle on that second idea."

"DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE! I'M PLENTY SMARTER THAN YOU!" growled Hidan leaping at Kakuzu's throat, but Kakuzu calmly side stepped at the last 'moment. Hidan fell flat on his face hidding his head on a rock.

"JASHIN-DAMMIT!" Hidan curled up gripping his now bleeding head. He got up quickly, clutching his still bleeding head and spoke.

"..What that fucker was trying to say is that we have to wait a whole 'nother fucking hour before we even get to go to our own fucking rooms." lamented Hidan Angrily.

"Well, What do we do in the meantime?" questioned Deidara.

"I should really begin looking for a brothel that'll pay a good price for her.", began Kakuzu.

" Well, I don't know about you bitches...", began Hidan. "...But I'm fucking hungry. Im gonna go get something to fucking eat!" Declared Hidan before proceeding to flip everyone off and begin walking back towards the gates.

" WAIT! WAIT! TOBI'S HUNGRY TOO! TAKE TOBI WITH YOU!" Yelled Tobi running at Hidan faster than a speeding bullet, tackling him at super speed.

"GYAH TOBI GET THE FUCK OFF!" Somehow Hidan managed to stand up, but unfortunately for him Tobi had managed to latch himself on to one of his legs. Hidan stood on one leg and kicked furiously with the other making a failure of an attempt to detatch Tobi.

"TOBI GET THE FUCK OFF!" Hidan began hopping around on one foot, still violently shaking the other.

Ler laughed at them, momentarily distracted from Leaders still threatening gaze.

"You _do_ know that I'm carrying all the money.." commented Kakuzu.

" Well then you better come with us because I want something to fucking eat!" bitched Hidan.

"You FORGET! That we can't go ANYWHERE! until Sasori and Itachi come BACK!" Yelled Leader trying attempting to maintain his eyebrow was twitching like mad.

"Speak of the devil..", murmured Deidara spitefully glancing towards the gate walls.

Itachi came running along the top of the wall and hopped down amidst the other akatsuki with Sasori trailing behind.

"SASORI !" Screamed Leader. Konan quickly placed her hand on his shouder.

"..explain to me exactly why you decided to leave? When I ordered you to stay here?", Leader huffed through clenched teeth.

" I figured that with Kisame here there would be no issues..besides, it's not as if the town has burned down.." answered Sasori nonchalantly.

"heh. not yet bitches." mumbled Hidan.

" Well, I'm off bitches!" Hidan strutted off into town, flipping everyone off as he walked past them.

"Idiot." Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"EVERYONES HERE! TOBI WANTS FOOD! YAY!" Tobi sped off through the gate and into the hustle and bustle in the town.

"Looks like we have no choice..."Sasori and followed suit.

With a deep sigh of frustration Leader walked stiffly into town with the rest of the akatsuki members following behind him. Ler gazed at the line blankly before being grabbed by Kisame and tucked under his arm and carried like a well...my simile is a bit lacking but I feel that the term '_plank of wood'_ is vaguely appropriate..eh..what the hell. Kisame tucked her under his arm and carried her like a_ 'plank of wood'_.

The town was busy and populous, with each street filled to the brim with people and all sorts of vendors. If you couldn't find it in any of the various stalls in the market, then you probably didn't need it. With that being said it was also a notorious tourist trap, with ample money to be made from either pick-pocketing or just plain old scamming the living daylights out of the general population.

They had been walking through the crowds of people for a short while and Ler had remained silent, managing somehow to remain as stiff as well...a board. She began to wonder what the heck these people were doing here in this town. _'Well maybe their next show is here.'_ It seemed like a sound logical conclusion. The town was touristy, so there was no shortage of suckers and small children to draw business. She wasn't 100% sure so she decided to ask sharky. She felt slightly uncomfortable talking to him after earlier but she pushed those feelings aside and asked him anyway.

"Hey Kisame?"

"uh..What...girl?"

"Does your troupe perform here tonight, or tommorrow, or sometime next week, or on a Thursday, or on a Friday, or maybe even on a Saturday..wait. You guys probably perform on a SUNDAY~! SUNDAY~! SUNDAAAAY~!"

Kisame was utterly confused by her statement and made a puzzled face, before replying.

"...No..We're only here for a couple of days and I have no idea what you mean by '_ performance'."_

"Ooh! does that mean you guys are practicing? Are you figuring out the line up for a new show?Oh boy!Are you looking for new acts! I can help you with the new acts!...I'm going to level with you though Sharky..your Lion tamer...he's shit. He really has to go, but hey we were all thinking it. I'm just throwing that out there. Let me tell you I'm a hell of an acrobat though, so indigo up there might have to go as well. You gotta see my moves though. Now let me go so I can show you this one thing I can do. It's pretty sweet. I like to call it the reverse willy wonka._ "_

Kisame wasn't able to process nor comprehend what the hell Ler had just said to him and besides that even if he did catch a words he'd be even more confused than he already was and before he was able to make any effort to respond, Leader spoke.

"This place. We eat here. Go inside."

"...but it's a bar...and a shitty one at that.." complained Hidan.

"Eat Here or not at all."

"Isn't There a third option? This place smells like a cross between the basement and Hidan's room." protested Deidara.

"Yes there is,and it involves your internal organs and multiple sharp objects". Deidara gulped and stepped inside quickly.

The troupe sat down at the nearest empty table and began to place their orders. Kisame dropped Ler on the ground before sitting in his chair.

"Oof!" exclaimed Ler as she fell on the floor. She really wasn't all that hungry because she had been snacking the whole trip but a small bowl of rice and a big bottle of sake sounded pretty awesome to her. She was flopped out on the floor her chin resting on the floor and her arms at her side, thinking about nothing really at all. She wiggled her way underneath the table and elbowed Kakuzu in the leg.

"Hey! Kuzu! I'm hungry! Hey! Bring me an appetizer! HEY!" , Kakuzu looked down.

"Find your own food girl."

Ler shrugged and crawled over to Tobi and bit him in the leg. He jumped up and screamed .

" AHH! THERE'S A TABLE MONSTER! AH! " Ler snickered under the table and spoke.

"Shhh!Shhh! It's just me!"

" Me who?" asked Tobi calming down a little. He was attempting to look under the table, although he wasn't able top see much because Ler was hidden in the shadows.

"It's me...your conscience"

"My conscience? Tobi didn't know he had a conscience! Why are you under the table conscience?"

" All consciences live under tables."

"Oh"

"I have news for you Tobi"

" What is it conscience? Is Tobi getting a new toy? Is Tobi getting a new pet? OH! Tobi hopes it is a new pet because Kakuzu says I can't keep Ler-chan because he wants to sell her to a brothel for money, and Tobi doesn't want to but Kakuzu really wants the money,so Tobi hopes to get a new one so he isn't so sad. Tobi doesn't like being sad. Tobi's been a good boy!"

"Tobi..it's about just that.."

" What is it conscience?"

"You've actually...been...a..well...bad..er..boy."

"TOBI'S NOT A BAD BOY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!"

" No Tobi, I'm your conscience and I don't lie. You are a bad boy Tobi..a very bad boy."

"TOBI DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU! LIES!TOBI THINKS TOBI'S CONSCIENCE IS FILLED WITH STINKY LIES!" Tobi had stood up from his chair and had begun screaming at under the table, catching the attention of everyone in the restaurant.

"Tobi you are very bad. Very,very,very bad."

"TOBI DOESN'T BELIEVE THIS! TOBI DOESN'T BELIEVE THIS! TOBI THINKS TOBI'S CONSCIENCE IS A LIAR" Tobi stuck his fingers in his ears and started making loud noises.

" No...it's the truth."

" LALALALALALALALA! TOBI CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALAA!"

At that moment Tobi began wailing, crying, and rolling about on the floor in dismay.

" Tobi's a good boy *sniff**sniff* Tobi's a very good boy"

Deidara had been sitting next to Tobi throughout the duration of His and his _" conscience's" _ conversation, yet didn't notice that Tobi was freaking out until he saw him rolling on the ground. He had been distracted by the drinking competition that was going on between Hidan and Kisame. Needless to say Kakuzu began taking bets and a small crowd was beginning to gather.

" That 5! Suck it Fish Face!"

"6!"

"In the name of Jashin! I SHALL NOT LOSE!" declared Hidan before taking and additional 3 shots.

Kisame quickly took 4 shots and then looked up at Hidan grinning ear to ear.

"Did I mention the fish tank I was raised in was filled with beer and not water!" Kisame began to chuckle.

" And I'm fucking immortal." Hidan grabbed the bottle from the person that was pouring the shots and drank deeply, one fist pumping in the air. The crowd went nuts and began cheering him on.

"X!X!X!X!"

Hidan tilted the bottle up and the last few drops trickled down. He slammed the bottle onto the table and stood proudly. The crowd went wild. Hidan was beginning to sway a little and said to the waitress.

"Hey bitch! Bring me a-urp-nother, I'm still pretty fucking thirsty!"

"Hey me too!" added Kisame, refusing to be one-upped by the Jashinist.

" I don't know how those two are doing it, because this tastes fucking awful" stated Deidara casting a brief sideways glance at Tobi who was still rolling on the ground.

"Well if you don't like it give it to me."

"What the Hell!" exclaimed Deidara realizing the voice came from under the table.

"Just give it to me!" Ler hopped out from underneath the table and grabbed his drink and began drinking away. Mmm .

"The hell were you doing under the table!"

"Whatever I want!" Ler reached across the table and quickly snatched the Konan's drink and Zetsu's plate of uneaten food. Not like he was going to eat it anyway. Zetsu and Konan didn't notice because of Hidan and Kisames competition. She scarfed down Zetsu's food and gulped down Konan's drink. It was surprisingly fruity and tropical. She burped loudly and sat down in Tobi's empty seat. Deidara looked shocked, then shrugged.

"should I get you another?" Before Lerdavian was able to respond a bottle came crashing down on the table space before them sending glass flying everywhere. It seemed that Hidan and Kisame's competition was heating up.

"I am not -urp- d-drunk! Shaaark fishy f-f-f-f-face! " Declared Hidan. He was swaying back and forth badly and was pretty obviously wasted. He had drank a total of 15 shots, 2 and a half bottles.

" Prove it!" *hic* Kisame threw his hands on the table heavily and leaned over it attempting to be threatening. Truth is, he was grinning and making stupid faces every 2 or 3 seconds. He had drank a total of 18 shots, and almost 2 bottles. He was honestly fighting the urge to pass out, which was bound to happen any second. It was either pass out or throw up. Hidan chugged the rest of the bottle and snatched a bottle of sake from the waitress who was taking it to another table. He gulped it down to about half way and then sloppily slammed it down on the table before sliding it across to Kisame. Kisame wearily looked up took a few gulps and then passed out, his head fell heavily and made a loud resounding thud.

" THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES! WUTWHUT!" Hidan pumped his fist in the air. Half of the crowd let out a disgruntled sigh as they handed their money over to kakuzu who snickered happily, counting the money quickly before shoving it into a bag.

Hidan's celebration was short lived however. He had taken another big swig from the bottle tilting his head back and fell flat on his back. This elicited laughter from the rest of the fairly-semi-sober akatzuki. Which was a bit of a stretch in and of itself.

Ler quickly snatched up everyones drinks in the confusion and drank them up. She hopped on the table and began singing .

"Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world .."

Surprisingly the crowd began singing along. The whole scene was causing a bit of a ruckus and the owner was tempted to throw everyone out but quickly decided against it considering the amount of money he was making.

"..Streetlights people, living just to find emotion..." screamed Ler who was miming holding a microphone.

Leader was getting increasingly annoyed and was angrily drumming his fingers on the table. Konan sat there with a blank expression on her face. The rest of the akatsuki were swept into the random crowd of drunken people who had begun singing loudly and badly too. Kakuzu was happy he made money and would've been sitting comfortably except some drunk idiot knocked his beverage over spilling it. He now sat quietly raging inside.

" DOOOOON"T STOP BELIEEEEEVIIN! DOOOOONT STOP BELIEEEEEEEEVINNN!" shouted Ler, pumping her fist. Kakuzu was immediately reminded of the orange haired fox kid and he became even more irritated.

" That's it." grumbled Kakuzu. He snatched Ler off the table and began to make his way to the door.  
"I don't want to go!"  
"I don't care."  
" What about Hidan and Kisame? Who can take them to the hotel they are completely smashed and um...someone has to carry them. I can do that!YEah!" Ler struggled to break free.  
"Hnh, I'd like to see you try." Kakuzu completely doubted she could lift Kisame because he was so big.  
" Lemme go and I'll do it!"  
"Fine! I'd like to see you try!" With that he dropped Ler on the ground. She quickly scrambled to her feet.  
" Oh thank you soooo much Uncle kuzu!"

She ran over to where Hidan was passed out on the floor. She kicked him in the head first before deciding to try to pick him up. She grabbed both of his arms and manged to get him into a sitting position and then lifted him up slowly onto her shoulder. She did it. She had Hidan slung over one shoulder and then walked over to Kakuzu and dropped him on the ground in front of him. She shot Kakuzu a big goofy grin before running back inside to grab Kisame. Kisame was definitely harder to lift because he was so 'godamn big' and so 'godamn fat' , according to Ler at least. When she finally got him slung over her shoulder his head wasn't too far from the ground and neither were his feet. Ler decided to change her tactics. She dropped him and then picked him up in firemans carry. This was much easier and she walked over to Kakuzu and dropped him in a heap next to Hidan, who had begun drooling in the dirt.  
"Thanks, now off to the whorehouse with you!" Kakuzu grabbed Ler by the wrist and began walking down the main street.

**Hah! Poor tobi, he might be mentally scarred. Hidan and Kisame are going to have one hell of a headache in the morning XD. UPDATE: Made it longer.**


	6. To whore or not to whore

**Okay I think I'm getting back into the groove. This chapter is short short. hmm Akatsuki sing along...cheese..ramen..hmm...formulation MUAHHAHAHA**

**"**but I'd make a ter'bel prostitute. Ich huure uberhaupt nicht gern! I dun wanna be whore!" begged Lerdavian thrashing and flailing around on Kakuzu's back.

" but I like money, so it's gonna happen."

Ler pouted. _'prostitution is for average looking women who can't make money doing anything else' _ She thought of all the years of her life that would be wasted if she let this happen. Ler began scheming. She thought and thought and thought. The walk seemed to take forever and Ler was tired from drinking and all of the excitement from today and she began to fall asleep.

She awoke to the ever so pleasant sensation of pain. Kakuzu had dropped her off his shoulder onto the hard ground. Where was her fall cushion when she needed him most?!They had arrived at the place of ill repute. She shuffled to her feet and was quickly shoved over to the large man that she assumed ran the place, and he began to lead her inside. She resisted and screamed out to Kakuzu.

" ..but uncle Kuzu-kun! I Love You! "

Her calls fell on deaf ears. Although Kakuzu isn't really deaf, but it'd be funny as hell if he was. Kakuzu was walking slowly, busily counting away, his money grasped firmly in hand. Ler was grabbed again by the man and led inside.

Once they were in, the man opened a door and shoved her inside and yelled,

"Girls, fix her up and throw her into room 6", before slamming it shut and leaving.

In what seemed to be a flutter of brightly colored kimonos Ler had her clothes practically ripped off her body. From what she could tell it might've just been the lead prostitute calling everyone to action, but she couldn't tell due to all of the stupid fluttery kimonos hitting her in the face and obscuring everything from view. The flutter quickly replaced what she had been wearing to a loose ill-fitting kimono that was a shade of light purple. She really didn't care for the color purple yet couldn't even voice her complaint because the numerous others descended on her face with make-up. She was pinched and poked and prodded until they finally deemed her to be done.

One lady with particularly bony fingers grabbed her by the arm and began to Lead her to her room. The lady's bony fingers pinched Lers arm. Her long plastic fingernails dug into her skin as she was tugged along . The woman looked like a bag of freezed dried meat. She was super wrinkly and her skin was discolored and greyish. The woman found Ler's room opened the door. She shoved her inside threw her old clothes after her, slammed the door shut, then left. Ler stumbled after the woman pushed her inside and she fell face first onto he ground. Ler instinctively sat back up as quickly as possible quickly shouting 'nobody saw that!' , before remembering that she was alone and flopped onto her back

"_hah," _Ler thought._" I'm in room 6. They're gonna wish this room was the number of the beast, considering the hell I'm going to put them through."_Ler Laughed maniacly inside her head. After a while she began boredly looking at her floor. It was some sort of wood and was covered with some sort of bamboo mat. The walls were an off white color and the only light came off a small cabinet that had a candle resting upon it. She watched the shadows flicker across the wall. She thought about her circus family experience and wondered if she'd see them or how'd she get back, or even about her prime directive. Her prime directive...She'd rather think about Kakuzu or Hidan or Kisame than her P.D.. They were funny, she liked them, although Tobi was very annoying and Zetsu was a bit scary. Deidara...well...he might've been okay in her books, if he didn't try to blow everything up exclaiming that it was art. Kisame. He's a fish...man...guy...shark..thing. Thinking about Kisame made her hungry. Ler felt the sudden urge to eat sushi. Hidan on the other hand made her well...he left her feeling irritated and slightly itchy. Hidan...he had pretty eyes, but almost everything else about him screamed self absorbed douche-bag. From the gaudy large chain he wore around his neck, to the way he slicked his hair back and how he walks around shirtless everywhere._ 'gah'_ thought Ler.'_ He probably touches himself at night.' _Ler chuckled at the thought.

A loud knock on the door followed by the unmistakeable sound of the door opening called away from her thoughts.

A man dressed in all black stood before her. He wore a long sleeved shirt with poofy sleeves that were tied at the wrists. It was shallowly V necked and had a thin twine lacing across the opening. He wore a simple cloth mask, and a long sided hat that obscured most of his head,. His headgear ensemble allowed only for the view of his eyes and the top section of the bridge of the nose. Ler eye'd him carefully. His eyes were the color of gleaming obsidian and his skin was very pale. She gawked at him. She expected her first client to be some ugly average shit head but no...this guy seemed attractive. Ler couldn't helped her self.

"Your eyes...they shine as brightly as stars in the midnight sky you know.." began Ler

"Well I certainly did not expect to get a poet" chuckled the man

His voice was strange and foreign, yet Ler loved the way he pronounced every sylable. He walked into the room and took off his weapon belt that had hung across his back. Ler, for some reason didn't see it a short while ago.

" So what's your name..er sir." Inquired Ler. Her legs were folded to the side and each arm firmly planted on the ground. The man had put his stuff down and hat took a seat and scooted closer towards her.

" Az ed Fahl bad ehl drizzt fah denadahbah mahl keehl"

" Victimsaywhat?"

"uh...what?"

" Hah." giggled Ler.

" Yeah you defintely are a strange one.." Az chuckled .

Ler began to laugh hysterically but quickly stopped herself.

"...yeah..." He said awkwardly.

"So...Shall we?" Az scooted closer towards Ler and was sitting on his legs.

"eh..I don't think..I...uh.." began Ler but she was cut off by Az's advance on her.

" Well, down to business then" Az was now on all fours slowly approaching Ler.

" WAIT! I've never done this sort of thing before!" shouted Ler.

" So then I guess that means that I shall take the lead here, heheh." Az chuckled and then pounced on Ler sending her sprawling backwards. Ler had fallen onto her back and Az was now on top of her.

"AH!" screamed Ler.

Without thinking she pulled her knees up to her chest and then kicked with both of her legs, effectively sending Az flying across the room. His head smashed up against the wall and he fell to the floor with a loud thud

" AHHH I KILLED THE CUSTOMER! OH SHIT!"  
"DAMMIT HE WAS PRETTY HOT TOO!" She cried in dismay.

"shit shit shit shit shit shit" muttered Ler under her breath. She quickly hopped up, grabbed her clothes and his weapons belt and ran for the door. She glanced to the side. '_damn he has a nice ass'_. She thought before bolting out into the hallway.

" FUUUCK EVERYTHIIING!" She screamed as she sped down the hall, en route to the door. Little did she know her shitty purple Kimono had fallen off. Nonetheless she ran screaming.

" FUUUCK EVERRRYYYTHINGG!FUUCK EVERYTHING!FUCK EVERYTHING!"

Several of the prostitutes stuck their head outside of the door to see what the commotion was all about. Their eyes were met with a naked woman running down the hall armed with a scimitar screaming.

" FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK EVERYTHINGGGGG!"

As Ler sped down the hall way she noticed the Large man from earlier was there. He was standing in front of the door. She ran even faster . The man remained standing there. The space between the two was closing quickly. Ler balled her fist and punched as hard as she could at the last second.

" FOR NARNIAA!" She screamed as her fist smashed into the guys face.

He fell unconscious to the floor. Ler could've sworn she heard light applause from somewhere behind her.

Without stopping, she jumped and slammed both feet into the door causing the flimsy latch to splinter and the door to burst open.

"SO LONG BITCHES! DAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHEEEEYAHHH!" shrieked Ler as she sped off into the forest.

**So that was fun. She's gonna have to put her clothes on soon though, it's uh..gettin' chilly outside. How could her Uncle Kuzu be so mean! Eh, once a kuzu always a kuzu. She might hate him forever! I dunno. Some say true love never dies. Kind of like Hidan, no matter how annoying or loud and bitchy it is it will be by your side forever!...or at least until it gets decapitated and separated from it's own body. Then I guess it didn't really die it's just pissed as hell, and immobile. Hm. **


	7. What a horrible night to have a curse

**A/N A word of warning to you all. If you don't like gore, or if it grosses you out or if you find it offensive, or..i don't know. Don't read this chapter because there's quite a bit of graphic dying. Well *counts on fingers* 4 deaths...*recounts* i think...anyway this chapter and the next are a little bloody. So a fair warning to you all.**

Ler ran for about 5 minutes into the forest before stopping to put her clothes back on. It was dark already. She must've spent longer than she thought at that brothel because the sun was just barely setting when she arrived. She sat down at the foot of a tree, rummaging through her pockets and fortunately found that she still had money on her. _'phew' _she let out a sigh of relief. She leaned her head back against the tree and closed her eyes.

Starlight filtered through the leaves, swaying gently in the night breeze. Clouds wisped by, causing fragile breaks in the soft light.

Ler felt the passing shadows slide over her skin with each breeze, feeling like the gentle caress of the finest fabrics being draped over her skin. The breeze was slow and heavy, almost like the deep breathing of someone sleeping.

She heard a noise in the distance.

_'it must be those bastards from the brothel out looking for me.'_ With a curse Ler stood up brushed herself off and continued running through the forest.

Trees seemed to jump out of her way as she sped along, deeper into the heart of the forest. She had inadvertently been following some old path for the past 10 minutes. The trees were larger here, and their dead branches arched over the dusty, overgrown were packed densely at either side of the road, and if there was any sort of room between them, it was filled with large prickly bushes, that had entwined themselves in the trees. So, Ler really had no option but to follow the path anyway. Ler kept running along and cursing occasionally as her clothing became caught on a shrub. Regardless of that, she followed the path faithfully, and the path finally emptied out into a clearing. Ler decided to stop and investigate.

The clearing was occupied by large shrubs that had grown rampant without the trees from the forest to restrain them. A few spilled over the top of the tree line and engulfed large stretches of the canopy, (To envision this, think of what happens when you put peeps in the microwave) and a single large tree sat in the center. It's half-dead, half-living branches reached skyward, like some sort of hellish black lightning, or the finger tips of a specter.

She heard a crack in the branches of the tree and she looked up. She saw two glowing red dots, then heard the baying of a wolf far off in the distance. A large black beast jumped out of the tree and barked loudly. The beast circled Ler slowly. Ler noticed that there was some sort of mounted rider on top. The figure was black, and wore some sort of horned helmet and carried a primitive looking spear. The beast reared up and let out a long mournful howl. The baying in the distance had drawn closer and she heard the ground rumble. Before she knew it, she was surrounded by a horde of black beasts and their primitively dressed riders. There must've been around 20 of them. Each was equiped with their own crudely made weapon of choice and their own hulking black beastie with glowing red eyes.

The black figure that had saw Ler first held an outstretched finger in her direction and yelled something unintelligible. His beast reared up and barked loudly and began to charge.

The hunt was on.

Ler sped toward Leader and his beastie, pulling the scimitar that she had taken off of the Hot Foreign Guy out.(HFG from here on) Clutching the weapon she leapt on to the back of the beastie, close to where the black rider was mounted. The black rider lunged at her and she dodged and swung the sword at his head. He narrowly avoided the sword and swung at her with the blunt end of the spear. Ler ducked and kicked him in the face, sending him hurtling off of the beast. The beast reared up and threw Ler to the ground.  
She rolled, slowly tumbling to a stop. She looked up and saw two riders approaching fast, she ran and jumped onto their mounts. She stabbed one in the gut and he toppled out of his saddle onto the ground. The other rider drew his mount near and lunged at Ler. She side stepped and kicked the spear, breaking it in half. The figure swung the pole end wildly. She dodged and jumped onto his mount next. She saw an opening and kicked him in the jaw. A loud cracking sound cnfirmed it was broken. She lunged at him with her scimitar successfully stabbed him in the side. He leaned over and blood oozed out of his mouth, the figure spat and sat up straight again, swinging at her with the pole. She blocked with her hand, grabbed the pole with and threw it to the side.  
The other riders circled the pair anxiously and darted to and fro. Ler swung the flat of the blade and smacked the rider across the face. At that moment another rider shot an arrow in her direction, she ducked and it flew harmlessly by. The rider was struggling to get up so he could continue to fight Ler, armed or not. She spun around and kicked him hard in the chest, causing him to cough up blood onto her leg. An additional 9 arrows were heading towards Ler. She dodged, then turned and stabbed the figure in the neck. Blood sprayed at her, turning black in the darkness. She leapt off the mount and landed on the ground.  
The pack was surrounding her and the fallen leader had leapt back onto his beastie. The circling beasties growled as they drew nearer to her. She could smell their rancid hot breath.(Talk about heap of rotting garbage on a hot day. PU!)

_'fuck'_thought Ler. _'There's no way I can take that many'_ So she turned tail and ran as quick as she could towards the direction she thought was civilization. There's just one problem with her excape plan. There was big hulking beasties in her way.

"FUCK!" she cried.

She ran and hopped from one to the other, dodging flailing weapons as she did so. She leapt off of the last beastie and ran to the edge of the forest. She turned and smiled at the besties and their mounts. The head one barked and began charging again.

"SHIIIITT!" yelled Ler as she darted for the ran headlong into the chaos of the scrubby brushes ahead of her. They cut at her, and she winced with each new stinging sensation, although she never slowed down. The beasts had trouble with the dense underbrush and prickly thorns, but it was easier for someone on foot to traverse.  
Finally the brush gave way for a while and there was clean forest floor ahead of her. Unfortunately a pair of riders had caught up with her. She ran through the forest with one at either side of her. The riders drew closer to her, attempting to squish her between them. She slashed at the beast on her right, leaving an long gouge on the creature. It howled in pain and the skin around the wound trembled. She leapt onto the beastie and punched the rider in the back of the head before he could react. His spiked helmet went flying. The other rode until only a centimeter remained between his beast and his comrades. He swung at Ler with his longsword. Ler hopped back, and spun aroung landing a well placed kick right on his face. He swayed slightly in the saddle.

Ler heard the baying drawing closer.

She stabbed at the guy on her right, he barely moved and almost dodged the blade. It left along deep gash across his cheek. He pulled out his own club and swung it at Ler. She dodged and stabbed at him. She stabbed him straight in the gut. She spun around and slashed at the rider on the left, he blocked with his long sword and sent Ler a step back. She swung again and their swords met. They were locked together. Ler leant forward and just before the guard broke she kicked the rider hard in the face. She pulled her sword free and slashed at him. The scimitar cut through part of his shoulder and neck. Blood spurt out and the rider clutched at his neck before falling out of his seat. Ler made quick work of the other guy and hopped off.

The pack had closed in on her and were within view, she turned and ran. The forest became littered with shrubs and undergrowth again which slightly impeded her progress. The barks and howls were so close, Ler knew she couldn't stop anymore. She tore her way through the forest slashing at any growth that dared stand in her way.

A howl came from what seemed to be inches behind her.

"SHIT!" she yelled and she completely stopped waving the scimitar around. She needed all the energy she could get running from the beasts.

Her heart raced in her chest and her breath was ragged, she wasn't sure how much she could take, and it seemed the baying of the beasties only drew closer.

Twigs and small branches cut at her arms and legs as she sped past them. She was bleeding quite a bit, her arms and legs were streaked with the red substance that formed lines and danced across her skin. Cold..creeping..cold ..creeping...cold..hate...her eyes burned in her skull. She ran and ran and ran. She gazed up at the sky for a split second and saw the brightness of the perfect full moon_._

_'Well,shit', _she thought.

**See , it wasn't that bad. Bloody but still, not too bad. **


	8. ZOMBIES!

**The madness continues...or at least i think it does...**

Ler was exhausted from the night before and was so glad to finally be in a nice comfortable spot at last. Though she wasn't 100% sure where she was. It was warm and there was something big and squishy to hold onto, so she was happy. She grasped it tightly and nuzzled her face into it.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Screamed Hidan. He winced at the sound of his own voice. Hangovers. They're a bitch.

"Kakuzu! Kakuzu! It's a fucking Zombie! Kakuzu!" Hidan was whispering loudly trying to get Kakuzu's attention from some unseen place. Ler's arms were still wrapped around his body and Hidan hadn't broken free yet.

"Holy Fuck! Is Jashin-Sama punishing me? Have my sacrifices not been good enough that you have sent this zombie?! Kakuzu ! Zombie!Fuck!" Hidan was trying his best to get Kakuzus attention without raising his voice. He rolled to the side and began kicking the wall next to him.

"Kakuzu you lazy fuck!Get the hell up!" whisper/screamed Hidan.

At that moment the door went flying open and a very pissed,scruffy, and bedheaded, Deidara appeared.

" CAN YOU PLEASE.." Deidara winced and then lowered his voice.

"...shut the hell up, I wanted to fucking slee.."Deidara stopped midsentence and looked up.

"Hidan,you're into some pretty sick shit.." His face paled and his eyes widened at the grisly scene before him.

What appeared to be a blood stained corpse was lying next to Hidan with it's arms wrapped around him. The blood coming from the corpse had stained the sheets, blood was splattered everywhere and the Jashinist was covered in it. Clumps of crimson stained his white hair and a path of bloody smudges and smashed objects led to the bed where Hidan was lying.

" Get this damned zombie off of me you blonde piece of shit!" seethed Hidan quietly.

" It's not my problem" retorted Deidara.

" I didn't fucking ask for the night of the fucking living dead specialwhen I came to this shitty little piss puddle of a hotel!" quietly bitched Hidan. He thrashed around and tried to lash out at Deidara.

" Now fucking help me!"

"hah! Why should I?"

"DAMMIT YOU FUCKING BLONDE HEADED PIECE OF DOG SHIT!" screeched Hidan loudly, causing him and Deidara to wince.

"Ah, Fuck! Truce! Truce!" Deidara quickly scrambled inside the room and began attempting to pry the "corpse" away from Hidan. The grip was strong and Deidara couldn't get it to budge.

"Fuck! why is this so goddamn hard!" exclaimed Deidara quietly.

"Firstly ,that's what she said, Secondly, It's probably like fucking rigor mortis or some shit like that" commented Hidan still uncomfortably on his side.

Ler was off somewhere in that hazy place between dream land and reality. It was so warm and comfy, other than the annoying tugging sensation at her arm. She pulled and it went away.

"Try again! Fuck!"

" I'm working on it you asshole! Give me a second!"Deidara was pulling with all of his strength at the arm of the bloody corpse that was tightly wrapped around Hidan. He felt it beginning to budge.

" Aha! Biitch-DAAH!"

Deidara had thought he was just about to successfully detach the arm from Hidan, but the arm jerked back with so much force it pulled him onto the bed too and latched on to him as well.

"GYAH JASHIN DAMMIT!" Shrieked Hidan, as Deidara landed on top of him and the corpse.

" HOLY FUCK IT MOVED!"

" I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!NOW GET THE FUCK OFF!"

Hidan kicked Deidara to the side. Deidara was now laying next to the corpse and was now covered in blood as well. He attempted to get up but had great difficulty after realizing his hand was on something slimy. He picked it up not wanting to know what it was turned pale and threw it against the wall where it made a large splat. It slid down the wall leaving a snail like streak of oozy red, until it landed on the floor with a sickening squelch. Deidara scrambled to get up but kept on slipping and was getting even bloodier by the second.

" Quit fucking around and get me the hell out!"

" Can't you see I'm trying ,unh!"

"and fucking failing miserably!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

" Why don't you fucking make me bitch!"

"DAMMIT!" Hidan swung his leg and kicked the wall instead of Deidara, knocking a chunk of plaster free and sending it flying across the room.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

With that, Hidan and Deidara then attempted to kill each other. Deidara reached for his clay and threw it at the back of Hidans head. The small wad of clay bounced off of Hidan's head and then detonated, blowing another chunk of plaster off of the wall. Hidan tried to turn over to kick Deidara repeatedly in the face but to no avail.

" DAMMIT YOU FUCKER! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!" screamed Hidan, kicking and flailing his legs.

" WHY DON'T YOU QUIT MOVING SO I CAN BLOW YOU TO HELL AND BACK!"

Deidara stuck his hand in his pocket and threw a chunk of clay right at Hidans head making a large THUNK sound. Hidan shook his head vigorously attempting to get it off, and succeded in knocking a small piece off.

"KATSU!"

The explosion caused blood to go flying, splattering all over Deidaras face. Bits of dust and plaster hung in the air. Deidara coughed raggedly trying to clear his lungs of the plaster though the hand he was attempting to prop himself up with slipped.

"THAT FUCKING HURT YOU GIRLY BLONDE HEADED FUCK!" Screamed Hidan, of course, still alive and angry as ever.

Mysterious thunder clouds appeared in Lers dream, storms? Then It started raining, mmm skittles. Ler likes skittles especially the green ones. '_Yeah.' S_he thought. _' The green ones are pretty kick ass.'_ She rolled over, moving her two warm pillows with her.

"JASHIN SAMA WILL RELISH YOUR SOUL IN THE AFTAH LIFE! HAHDAHA!" Screeeched Hidan.

He kicked his legs against the wall untill he managed to get the corspe to roll with him. He landed on top of Deidara (side ways). He began attempting to bite, kick, headbutt, whatever he could to beat the crap out of the blonde .There was banging and shouting and the occasional profanity and flying bits of plaster They had suddenly shifted from one of Deidaras explosions , and now they sat there, squished awkwardly with the corpse between them , panting , both splattered with blood, and bits of dust and plaster.

The door opened.

"SHU-"Kisame yelled at first but then winced at the sound of his own voice and re-adjusted his volume.

"-ut the hell up some people want to sleep" He then looked into the room and then chuckled darkly.

" What hell kind of fucked up slumber party did you have?!"

"KISAME GET THIS ASSHOLE AND THE CORPSE OFFA ME!"

"Eww, so that's what that is. That's a fucking threesome from hell If I ever heard of one? ..And Deidara of all people, How the hell did you manage to do that? Didn't see that one coming. "

"KISAME YOU FUCKING PIECE OF FISH FRY GET THEM THE HELL OFF!" Raged Hidan,thrashing violently.

"Morning after problems huh? Maybe I should take a picture.." chuckled Kisame.

"FUCKING FISH SHIT! I'LL FRY YOU UP AND EAT YOU LIKE TEMPURA!" screamed Hidan.

Kisame took the liberty of pulling a camera from out of nowhere and taking a few quick pictures.

"DAMMIT KISAME!" Screamed Deidara. He pulled out clay and threw it full force at Kisame.

"SHIT!"exclaimed Kisame.

The camera exploded in a poof of smoke , leaving nothing but ash in Kisames outstretched hand.

"NOW GET THESE TWO THE FUCK OFF!" Yelled Hidan thrashing around.

"FUCKIN' DO IT, UNH!" added Deidara.

Kisame took a few steps into the room, when the corpse began stirring.

It let out a low moan.

"Uh, if you guys weren't done _'enjoying yourselves'_ you should've said so." Snickered Kisame.

"THAT WASN'T US YOU FREAKING IDIOT!" screamed Hidan and Deidara.

At that moment the corpse began moving.

"Fucking Hell!" cried Kisame out of surprise.

The corpse sat straight up, relinquished its grip of Hidan and Deidara, who both jumped out of the bed as quickly as they could.

It was slumped over and began standing up slowly.

"ZOMBIE!SHIT! IT'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE!" screamed Hidan.

"HOLY FUCK!" Cried Deidara!

" WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPOSED TO DO!" screamed Kisame.

The corpses blood drenched hair hung over its face. Its arms hung limply at its side. Shredded bits of tattered clothing revealed that this was, at one point, female. Cuts and scratches coverd the arms and legs of the zombie.

It took one long slow step towards the trio.

"H-h-hhhiiiidddaann-n" It moaned.

"SHIT! IT KNOWS MY NAME!HOW THE FUCK DOES IT KNOW MY NAME!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO GET A FUCKING ZOMBIE IN YOUR ROOM?!"

Hidan dropped down onto his knees.

" Oh almighty and great Jashin-Sama...What the fuck did I do to deserve this? Were my sacrifices not sufficient?"

"H-hidaaann..F-f-fffuck..Jashin.." moaned the zombie.

The hair on everyone's neck stood up.

"RUUUN!" screamed Deidara.

And they all bolted for the door...Aaaand got stuck.

"DAMMIT FISH FRY MOVE YOUR FAT ASS OVER!"

"BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY, UHN!"

They were attempting to all squish through the door. Obviously not working at all.

"DEIDARA GET YOUR STUPID GIRLY BLONDE HAIR OUTTA MY FACE!" Yelled Hidan.

"THAT'S IT!" Deidara pulled a piece of clay out of his pocket and before they knew it...

"KATSU!"

...The doorway exploded, leaving a large gaping hole where the door should've been. As soon as they had regained their balance they all took off running down the hallway.

"FUCKIN' ZOMBIE ATTACK!"

"ZOMBIES!"

"RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!"

Leader finally appeared in the hallway.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT! WHAT IS SO GODAMN TERRIFYING TO 3 S-RANKED CRIMINALS, THAT THEY HAVE TO BE SCREAMING AT 6 O' FUCKING CLOCK IN THE MORNING!"

"There's zombies in Hidan's room!" said Deidara.

"Yeah like fuckin' twenty of em'!" added Hidan.

" Is this place like on top of some sort of ancient burial ground? Knowing Kakuzu and his hand in planning this trip I wouldn't be surprised." noted Kisame.

"What the fuck do you mean zombies?" questioned Leader.

"Are you sure it's not Kakuzu playing some sort of trick."

"I told you, There was like fuckin' twenty and they were all moaning and shambling and dead! I told you it's a fucking zombie" testified Hidan.

"Yeah! There was a ton of 'em!" added Deidara.

"So what do we do?" asked Kisame.

"I'll call a quick meeting, and then we shall dispose of this...zombie" Leader sighed and then proceeded to gather the Akatsuki.

"So let me get this straight, Hidan woke up to find a...zombie..clinging onto him.." Leader looked over the brim of his special _'figuring things the fuck out glasses' _ giving the trio a skeptical as hell look.

"Hidan got a zombie in his room? All Tobi got was a tiny bottle of shampoo and towels. No fair!" Tobi crossed his arms and pouted.

"Hah, maybe the souls of the damned are trying to tell you that Jashin isn't real." Kakuzu leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head.

"So does that mean this hotel is haunted or not?" inquired Kisame.

"Probably" added Kakuzu nonchalantly.

"Why the fuck would you book a hotel that might be haunted with vengeful spirits of the damned!" screamed Hidan.

"It could be why the price was marked down on the rooms we got." smirked Kakuzu.

"Does that mean Tobi's room could be haunted too?"

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Yelled Hidan as he lunged for the stitched man's throat.

"SIT DOWN! SHUT UP!" Screamed Leader slamming his fist on the table.

"I would think your first perogative would be trying to figure out how to get rid of the zombies rather than tearing Kakuzu's neck out." scolded Leader.

"...because this whole situation is just oh so terrifying, and horrible.." stated Sasori sarcastically. Itachi and Konan Smirked. Deidara saw Itachi smirk out of the corner of his eye.

" GODAMMIT YOU UCHIHA BASTARD! DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME! THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS UHN!" Deidara jumped up in his chair and stood angrily pointing at Itachi.

"QUIET!" cried Leader, attempting to get his unruly band of criminals to settle down. Deidara sat down.

" I say that we first asses the nature of the situation, Deidara is thee anyway for the zombies to get out?"

"Maybe, I mean i blew a hole in the fucking door so there's a chance there's rubble blocking it, as well as a chance its gaping wide open." said Deidara thoughtfully.

"So does anyone have any idea how to go about killing it then?" inquired Leader.

nobody raised their hand.

*crickets*

Tobi's hand shot up.

"OOH! OHH ! TOBI KNOWS TOBI KNOWS!"

"Someone who isn't a complete Idiot" added Leader.

"TOBI KNOWS TOBI KNOWS! OOH PICK TOBI!" Tobi was practically dancing in his seat.

BAM!

A large explosion went off outside and there was a few screams.

"DEIDARA WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

" I didn't do anything, uhn! I'm innocent! I was here the whole time, uhn!" protested Deidara.

The Akatsuki ran into the hallway. A cloud of dust blew towards them and everyone coughed. They peered through the dust and saw a lone figure. Hidan jumped up.

" IT'S THE FUCKING ZOMBIE!"

"I thought you said there were twenty? **only one, what a little wuss**!" Said white and black Zetsu respectively.

"SHUT UP ZETSU YOU DAMNED PLANT!"

The figure shambled out of the cloud, to reveal...*drum roll please*...an old woman.

"So you guys were scared of the little old lady?" asked Sasori.

"DAMMIT SASORI!" Yelled Deidara.

"Look beyond what you see!" added Kisame.

"All Tobi Sees is dust."

"LOOK BEYOND WHAT YOU FUCKING SEE DAMMIT!" Yelled Hidan.

" How am I supposed to see beyond what I see beyond that." Stated Sasori. Kisame was standing in front of him.

"Oh.."Kisame shuffled to the side.

"...damn fat shark.. " muttered Sasori under his breath.

"Tobi still doesn't see what he's supposed to see beyond what he sees."

"Tobi, shut up!" said Deidara.

"Is it okay if Tobi holds onto you if Tobi gets scared Deidara senpai? Tobi might have to change his pants though."

"HELL NO!" Deidara kicked Tobi.

Another figure appeared in the dust cloud that was beginning to subside.

"AHH!" screamed Deidara, and he jumped up into Kisame's arms.

"Probably just another old lady" noted Sasori.

The figure moved slowly, one heavy footstep after the other. It moaned.

"H-h-hhiiidaaannn" It croaked.

"SHIT! IT'S COMING FOR IT's VENGEANCE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!"

"How the hell does the zombie know Hidan's name?" asked Leader.

"Hell if I know, cuz I sure as hell didn't introduce myself to it!"

The zombie emerged from the dust cloud in all its bloody undead glory.

"I guess you guys weren't kidding " sighed Sasori.

"Quick throw something at it!"

Deidara grabbed clay out of his pocket and threw it at the zombie. The clay hit the zombie right in the head.

"KATSU!"

BANG!

Another cloud of dust erupted, causing the Akatsuki to close their eyes.

"Is it dead? Did Deidara Senpai kill it?"

The akatsuki waited for the dust to subside once more.

The zombie was still standing.

"AHHH! IT REALLY IS A ZOMBIE! DEIDARA SENPAI HOLD ME!"

"GET THE FUCK OFF, UNH!"

Little did they know the clay had slid off of the zombie because it was drenched in blood and landed somewhere behind it.

" something silver." suggested Itachi, who was rather calm about the whole situation.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE THAT'S SILVER!"

"Hidan, your chains."

"HELL NO! Ask Leader he's practically made of piercings and one of them is bound to be silver."

"What?"

Kisame reached over and grabbed leader preparing to throw him.

" KISAME IF YOU THROW ME.. I'LL AAAHHH!"

Leader was thrown and collided headlong with the zombie. They tumbled backwards several yards.

"IS IT DEAD?" shouted Deidara.


	9. Hot like me

**The zombie ness continues. Hm..Will the gang Live? Probably, because you'd hate me if I killed any of the characters.**

**XD No but really though. I like being alive. **

Leader was trapped underneath the zombie. It reeked of dirt,decay and countless other horrible things that Leader didn't care to think about. He remained motionless though, probably trying to be tough or something. Blood trickled from the zombies hair onto Leaders face. He remained motionless. The zombies face moved as if to smile and then a viscous red black liquid seeped out of its mouth, oozing all over Leaders chest.

"FUCK THAT'S NASTY!" exclaimed Leader.

The zombie emitted a low pitch gravelly sound that sounded like laughter.

"Fuck this shit. This is grunt work" Leader kicked the zombie off of him and attempted to run back to the others. The zombie lunged and grabbed him.

"AHH FUCK THE ZOMBIE HAS ME! IT'S GONNA EAT MY BRAINS!"

Konan face palmed.

" SHIT IT HAS LEADER! WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?!" screamed Hidan.

" You are all morons, I'm going back to bed."

"Don't you dare leave Kakuzu! All of this shit is your fault."

"How the hell is this my fault, you're the one that went and got yourself molested by a zombie." retorted Kakuzu.

"You were probably asking for it anyway." he added.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? All I did was pass out in the bar last night!"

"Yeah and you were probably wearing a t-shirt that says, I'm an easy target that loves getting molested by zombies, please molest me."

" Fuck you Kakuzu?! I never wear a shirt anyway!" Hidan stuck hid tongue out at Kakuzu. Kakuzu brought his fist down on Hidans head causing him to bite his tongue.

"THUCK!" exclaimed Hidan.

"Hmph!" Kakuzu turned and left.

"Leader, I'm coming!" shouted Konan. She ran toward the zombie and kicked it with her feet in a desperate attempt to distract it so it'll let go. The impact caused the zombie to upchuck the blackish liquid all over her leg and all over leaders shoulder.

"GACK!" cried Konan. she hopped back a few steps.

Hidan saw a broom handle on the ground He grabbed and ran at the zombie and Leader.

"EAT SHIT AND DIE!" he cried as he swung the handle at them.

"Hidan If you hit me with that I'll.."

SMACK!

The zombie and leader went flying to the left colliding with the wall.

"HAH! BITCH!" exclaimed Hidan

The zombie let go.

Leader hopped up and ran back over to the group.

"holy shit that thing's disgusting." commented Leader.

"Tell me about it." added Konan who was trying to get the black goo off of her leg.

"So does anyone else have any bright ideas?"

Hidan was fighting the zombie who had gotten back up. He was smacking it with a stick.

" Hah, not so scary now are you bitch!" Hidan smacked the zombie.

"You can tell all of your undead brethren to go to hell" He smacked the zombie.

"And Jashin-Sama says Fuck you too." He smacked the zombie.

"HIDAN! Quit fucking around with the zombie and get over here, we have to figure out how to kill it." Yelled Deidara.

" I've got it perfectly under control." shouted Hidan back.

"Don't I bitch." Hidan smirked and then hit the zombie.

"graghhh" The zombie replied.

" HOLY FUCK!" exclaimed Hidan. And He hit the zombie again.

"You Idiot Get over here before you get yourself zombiefied!" Shouted Kisame.

"nah! Everythings fine, perfectly fine." said Hidan as he hit the zombie a few more ! SMACK!

"everythings fine and dandy, sugar and candy.."As Hidan hit the zombie the last time, it caught the broom handle.

"FUCK!"

Then the zombie crushed it.

"AAAAAHH! Fine I'll listen!" He exclaimed as he ran back towards the group.

"We can't risk it rendering any of our members useless." noted Konan.

" I'm out of ideas," said Leader.

"Hn." said Itachi.

"Wait! Holy Water! Does anyone have any holy water!" exclaimed Konan.

Everyone looked around.

"No why the hell would we be carrying something like that around, uhn!"

"Hey, Idiot over there is a priest, maybe he can do something." noted Kisame

" I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PRIEST YOU DUMB-ASSES!"Yelled Hidan

"It worked for Trevor Belmont, so fuck if it works for us!" Shouted Konan.

"Psh. And where the hell am I suppossed to find water anyway?" The Jashinist scoffed and crossed his arms.

The zombie was almost upon them.

"SHIT IT's STILL WALKING TOWARDS US!" Hidan screamed and pointed.

Tobi went skipping by.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Hm..Tobi wonders why Jack and Jill didn't invite Tobi. Tobi's strong so he'd never drop the water like Jack did. Maybe then Jill would realize how awesome Tobi was and we can go get married and live in a castle happily ever after. Then Tobi could decree that statues of Tobi are to be built all over the kingdom to commemorate how Tobi conquered the hill that day."

" Tobi where did you get that bucket?" asked Konan.

"I dunno, Tobi Just kinda found it...around I guess." Tobi looked around the room.

" AHHH! A ZOMBIE! SAVE ME DEIDARA SENPAI!" Tobi dropped the bucket on the ground and ran to hide behind Deidara.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME , UHN!"

"WE don't have time for this." scolded Leader.

The zombie was inches away from them.

"Quickly! Hidan Take the bucket and exorcise it!" shouted Leader.

" I TOLD YOU ALREADY! I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PRIEST!"

" HIDAN DO IT OR SO HELP ME I'LL..."began Leader.

"FINE!"

Hidan walked over to the bucket and picked it up.

"IN THE NAME OF JASHIN-SAMA! FUCK OFF!" Cried Hidan throwing the bucket of water at the zombie.

"Well that was a hell of an exorcism." said Sasori.

The water soaked the zombie washing most of the blood into a pool on the floor.

"SCHEISSE DAS WASSER IST GANZ KALT!" Screamed the zombie. It was shivering.

"...But did it work?" stated leader.

" I dunno, it screamed, that should mean something."said Kisame.

Leader and Konan Face-palmed.

"SHIT THAT WATER WAS COLD!" exclaimed the zombie again.

"Umm guys I'm not so sure that's a zombie anymore, Unh"

Everyone turned to face the zombie.

It was ringing out its hair, the water had washed out almost all of the blood and it was ringing the remainder out.

"That was a hell of a wake-up call if you ask me," declared the zombie.

The Akatsuki stared, and stared, and stared.

It flung it's hair behind it's head and tied it up. It wiped the blood off of it's arms and legs and looked at the Akatsuki.

" uh...yo." The zombie declared.

The Akatsuki stared, and stared, and stared.

"LER-CHAN!" screamed Tobi. He ran and dove tackled her to the ground.

"Tobi missed you so much! Tobi thought that Kakuzu -san had sold you to the brothel and Tobi thought that he would never ever ever seee you again ! How did you get back Ler-chan?"

"Uh...I walked."

Leader and Konan sweat-dropped.  
Hidan walked over to where Tobi was hugging Lerdavian and grabbed her by the collar and pulled her up to eye level.

"How the hell did you get into my room. The door was locked." Hidan scowled at Ler. Ler shrugged.

" I dunno, but's it's nice to see you again you silver-haired asswipe" Ler chuckled. And with that she punched him in the nose and sent him sprawling.

"FUCK!"

Deidara, Kisame,Tobi and Zetsu laughed. Itachi sighed and went back to bed, shortly followed by Sasori who went back to his own room.

"So why the hell were you all bloody?" inquired Kisame.

"Let's just say there are some very unfortunate people who crossed my path." Ler grinned at kisame. Kisame nodded slowly.

"Like HELL I'M GONNA BELIEVE THAT!" yelled Hidan. He threw a lamp at her and she dodged.

"DAMMIT STAY STILL BITCH!" Ler stuck her tongue out at Hidan. He got really angry.

" YOU INSOLENT HEATHEN! JASHIN WILL FEAST UPON YOUR SOUL IN THE...ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING BITCH?" Ler made her hand into a little puppet and was making it repeat every word Hidan was saying.

"HEY! CUT THAT OUT!"

Ler continued.

"THAT AINT FUNNY!"

Ler made her right hand another character, this character continued to beat the heck out of the other hand that was imitating Hidan. She laughed and then looked up.

"INSOLENT HEATHEN!" Hidan charged Ler and she turned around and kicked him in the valuables.

"FUCK!"He squealed, as he fell to the ground clutching his ...yeah.

"Can Tobi Keep Ler-chan this time? Can he? Can he?" begged Tobi.

"Fine, but if she gives us any trouble consider her gone."

"YAAAAAYYY!" squealed Tobi who ran over to Ler chan and began squeezing her to death again.

"But first, Let her go with Konan so she can bathe and get some new clothes. We can't be seen walking around with an unbathed, half naked woman"

"You're just jealous cus I'm hot!" shouted Ler, shaking her hips seductively.

Konan and Leader Face palmed.

Kisame was looking, you bet he was. Deidara just looked flustered. Hidan sat up.

"Yeah? You're about as sexy as steaming pile of shit sitting in the sun!" retorted Hidan.

"Yeah? And I'm about to kick you where the sun don't shine!"

"Try It , see what happens!"

"It's not like you use them anyway!"

"What? I get plenty of action bitch!"

"Hah, the only action you get is with yourself, at night!"

Everyone snickered including Leader and Konan.

"At least I don't smell like the rear end of an elephant!"

"Does that mean you do touch yourself at night?"

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Dammit whore! You're making me look bad!"

"The fuck do I care you do this all to yourself! And in some cases quite literally."

The laughter continued.

"Fuck you!" Yelled Hidan lunging at Ler.

"No thank you."She replied.

" I see you already have the attention of two beautiful Ladies already." Hidan stopped and looked around.

"Huh? who?"

" Miss Right and Miss Left"

Deidara was rofling. Hidan's face turned bright red.

"DAMMIT BITCH!" He lunged at Ler. Ler hopped back dodging and laughing. Hidan grabbed the sharp splintered end of the broom stick from earlier and swung it at her. She dodged but it snagged a piece of her clothing. Unfortunately for Ler it was the strand or two that was holding a significant portion of her outfit together. Ler was distracted temporarily and Hidan tackled her to the ground.

" HAH I CAUGHT YOU! PREPARE TO DIE!" He looked down at her face, it was completely red.

"huh? what's wrong with you? Answer me! Giving up cuz I caught you?"Snickered Hidan. Her face was still red and she wasn't responding.

"HIDAN!"

"WHAT?" He shouted back.

"GET OFF OF HER!"

"WHY?"

" Because Konan!"

"I ain't scared of no Indigo haired bitch! She's Jashin-Sama's now!" Hidan cackled and turned back to face Ler.

"PREPARE TO BE.." Hidan stopped, his face turned red.

"AHH!" He screamed.

With that Konan ran over and punched his lights out, and quickly covered her with the bathrobe she was wearing over her Pajamas.

"I didn't think Hidan was that big of an Idiot, unh" Leader Sweat-dropped and Kisame seemed like he was somewhere off in LaLa land.

**Who'd have thought. Heheheh. so what do you think of Hidan's exorcism. It's pretty legit. XD**

** This chapter was fun,poor Ler though. Sucks about her clothes. Anyway**

**Please review so I can get a better Idea of what the hell I'm doing.**


	10. Another bad Joke waiting to happen

_** So here I am once again to tell you how the gang is going to...**_  
**" I like ah de beer hehehhihaha!"**  
_** Well, this chapter is about..**_  
**"Hehehe someone should get more ...my bottles empty..." *stares down bottle***  
**_It's about when they go.._**  
**"KAKUZU-KUN! Get me some birra per favore! I WANTA SOME MOR-eh!"**  
**_ They're at the beach and.._**  
**"I am not spending money on your drinking habit!"**  
**"If you're going to the store bring me some fucking vodka and Redbull!"**  
**_ Well they.._**  
**"HELL NO I'm NOT GOING TO THE STORE!"**  
**_Then HFG is like.._**  
**"Konan requires fruit for her martinis, you_ are_ going to the store."**  
***sigh* "...shit..."**  
**"...AND DON'T FORGET THE FUCKING VODKA! OR THE REDBULL!"**  
**"AND MY BEER UNCLE KUZU KUN!"**  
**_*get's flustered and throws papers up in the air. _**  
_** FUCK THIS INTRODUCTION! YOU GUYS CAN GO TO HELL! *storms off***_  
**"She needs a beer..or three.."**  
**" Or some Jaeger bombs.."**  
**" hah, nice"**

Ler and Konan were sitting on the bed in Konan's room. Surprisingly the owner of the hotel hadn't kicked the Akatsuki out because apparently the old woman was the owners grandmother and was the last living something or other and she apparently thought that they had been saved from some catastrophic zombie apocalypse and decided to upgrade their rooms to suites and...well...you get the picture.

Ler was brushing her hair after showering, she was wearing a bathrobe and was discussing with Konan about what she was going to do about clothes.

"Lerdavian, you can't go back out there without wearing something, it would be a danger to your well being!"

"I say it's a free country and I do whatever I want!"

"You'll attract weirdo's and besides last time you just froze up! I doubt you'd make it out the door."

"Hah, who could be weirder than you guys!"

Konan sighed." Just wear some of my clothes until we get to a store..."

"Fine."

Konan went to the closet and pulled out a dress.

"Um..I don't_ do_ dresses"

"Unless you want to go parading around with nothing but a cloak on you're gonna have to!"

Ler exhaled forcefully showing her disproval. Ler fidgeted around with it and managed to squeeze some of it on.

"Umm...I don't think this is going to work..." Ler was trying to fit into the dress.

"It'll work just hold on a sec." Konan went behind Ler and attempted to get the zipper up.

"Umm Konan.."

"Just give me a sec, HRRR!" Konan pulled at the zipper with all her might.

It didn't budge an inch.

"Konan."

Konan continued to pull at the zipper.

"I don't think this is going to work.."

Konan put her foor on Ler's back and tugged at the zipper.

"Just give me a second.." Konan smiled and then went back to tugging.

"Konan."

"HRRRGGG!" Konan tuged at the zipper.

"Konan?"

"HYARGGH!" Konan tugged at the zipper.

"KONAN!"

"WHAT!?" She pulled with all of her might.

" THIS ISN'T GOING TO.."

The zipper snapped.

Ler went flying forward onto the bed and Konan fell back and hit her head on the wall.

"...work.." Ler sighed.

Konan stood back up and dusted herself off.

"Well.." said Ler thoughtfully. "There's always that cloak option."

" Ler, I was just kidding when I said that..."

"It would seem as if we don't have much of a choice."

Konan sighed.

" I'll better go ask one of the guys for a spare cloak.."

** EPIC TIME LAPSE! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Lerdavian was clothed! Leader wasn't running around with a filthy mongrel anymore! Kakuzu scammed the daylights out of an elderly couple! Zetsu was well fed! Deidara hit Tobi in the face with some clay! And it exploded! Kisame saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico! And they were all now on their merry way to town now!

It was mid morning and the shops were beginning to fill with people. Leader gazed at the shops as they passed them by. _ Souvenir store. __Garbage. Shitty souvenir store .Garbage. Crappy restaurant that's probably infested with vermin. Garbage. Even shittier souvenir store. Garbage. Food. Old lady. Garbage. Prostitute. Prostitute. Prostitute. Garbage. Sex shop. Garbage. Filthy homeless man. Garbage. Clothing store. Garbag.-Wait!  
_Leader did a double take as he passed the garbage sto- I mean department store.

"Here. Everyone go inside. Find yourself swim suits. Konan, help Ler find some clothes."

"You mean she's not wearing any clothes under that!" Cried Deidara.

"You'll find going Eau naturale is quite exhilirating!" commented Hidan throwing his head back proudly. Deidara looked green.

"You better not go Eau naturale on the beach or I'll clobber you into next week..that's if I don't throw up or gouge my eyes out first." threatened Kisame.

"Just get in the damn store!" Kakuzu kicked Hidan sending him flying through the double doors of the store, and everyone else followed suit.

As soon as they entered the store Leader turned around and gave everyone a quick briefing.

"I don't care what you get, but if you cause I scene here or at the beach I will grind you up and feed you to Zetsu."

With that everyone took off in a separate direction.

Deidara got stuck with Tobi and Kisame, Itachi and Sasori searched quietly, Zetsu chewed on a manakin and Leader was off on his own. Tobi was searching through the rack and finally found something. He ran to the dressing room put it on and then ran over to Deidara.

"Deidara-senpai do you like Tobi's outfit?"

Tobi was wearing a fluorescent orange speedo.

"GYAH! MY EYES!" Deidara's hand went flying up to cover his eyes.

" Do you think it makes Tobi's butt look big?" Tobi turned around modeling it in front of Deidara.

"GET NORMAL PAIR OF SWIM TRUNKS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, UHN!" Deidara kicked Tobi and he went flying back into the dressing room.

Itachi and Sasori both quickly found something they liked and stood quietly waiting for the others to finish. Itachi had found a pair of black and red swim trunks and Sasori found a pair of dusty brown shorts. Kisame was going through the rack and found a pair of plain dark blue shorts and excitedly grabbed them and went to go stand over by Itachi. Now they were waiting on Kakuzu, Hidan, Leader, Ler, Konan and Zetsu.

Deidara wasn't sure what pair to get. Tobi came running out again.

"SENPAI! What about these?" Deidara turned and looked.

"TOBI THAT'S A WOMEN'S OUTFIT!"

"Oh, Tobi didn't know.."

"WHAT PART OF NORMAL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, UHN!" Deidara kicked Tobi again and he hit the door to the changing room with a loud thud.

"...Tobi'll try harder senpai..." Tobi slid down the door into a heap on the floor.

Deidara finally found a pair he liked, they were between cerulean and turqoise. He grabbed them and ran to stand by the others.

Konan and Ler had finally found some clothes, black and red tank tops, black capris and a new duster, which was black this time around. Fortunately Ler's shoes were the only thing still in good condition, they were found flung somewhere in Hidans room. They also got her a pair of black flip flops and a black bikini top and a pair of women's swim shorts for the beach. Konan already had a swimsuit and it was a white one piece with a single blue stripe in the middle. They walked over to where the guys were standing.

"Where's Leader?" asked Konan. All the guys shrugged.

" HOW ABOUT THIS DEIDARA SENPAI?!" Tobi came running out of the dressing room and was wearing what appeared to be an orange v shaped swim thong, like the kind that borat wore in borat that went over the shoulders. It was a terrifying and horrible sight that should never be spoke of again.

"GYAHHHH!AUUGH!"

"AAAH!"

"KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"MY EYES!"

"THAT'S WORSE! THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE!"

"KILL ME NOW! PLEASE KILL ME NOW!"

"AHHH!"

"MY EYES! SOMEBODY GOUGE THEM OUT!"

"AHHHH!"

Everyone screamed and covered their eyes and covered their mouths in an attempt to keep from throwing up.

"...Tobi will take that as a no.." and then ran off.

Hidan came strolling up to them as nonchalant as possible.

"What the hell's wrong with all you fuckers." Everyone's face was bright green and sick looking.

"You don't want to know..." said Kisame. Hidan shrugged and stood next to the others. He had a pair of white swim shorts.

"Where the fuck is Kakuzu, I figure'd that fucker would have already picked the cheapest thing on the rack and have been standing here already. Hidan looked around.

"I'm right here Idiot." Kakuzu was standing behind Hidan and smacked him upside the head. The pair Kakuzu had was dark purple.

"HOW ABOUT NOW DEIDARA SENPAI!" Tobi came running out and was finally wearing a normal pair of swim trunks. They were bright orange with red swirly's all over.

"Yeah, Fantastic. Now hurry up so we can leave already , uhn!"

"Hai! Deidara-Sempai!" Tobi ran back into the dressing room and to put his regular clothes back on. Leader came nonchalantly strolling over to the group. His swim trunks were blood red. Konan sighed.

"Where's Zetsu." Every one shrugged. As if on cue Zetsu popped up out of nowhere chewing on a manakin torso and Leg. Leader sighed.

"Let's just check out." leader began marching toward the door and everyone followed else followed. Tobi came running out of the dressing booths.

"WAIT FOR TOBI!"

The gang quietly stood in the check out line. Each of the team walked through the line throwing their swim suits onto the counter and then exiting while Leader and Kakuzu stood by the cashier. When Zetsu came around he was still chewing on the manakin. Leader quietly pulled the bright green swim trunks off of the manakin and threw them onto the counter and pushed him through, the cashier looked shocked but when Kakuzu added an additional 20 bucks to the amount due she shrugged and sent them on their way. Konan and Leader were actually surprised that nothing had exploded or nobody got in a fight or the store hadn't gotten demolished.

They walked the rest of the way to the beach without incident. Another shocker for Leader. Tobi of course wanted to stop at every crappy snack stand and try one of everything but other than that, no problems. _'Odd' _ thought Leader.

Upon Arriving at the beach Leader summoned an umbrella and positioned it against the angle of the sun. He placed two towels down and sat on his and Konan sat on the other.

"Have fun, do whatever, just don't cause a ruckus." Leader put his shades on and probably fell asleep. Konan was content to watch the others and sit with Leader. Tobi darted out towards the coast line.

"Tobi's going to build a castle! Will Deidara-sempai help Tobi build his castle?"

"No!" Deidara stormed off to a nearby beach bar and attempted to pick up some chicks.

"Beaches are stupid, Why the fuck are we here!"

"Shut the hell up and try to enjoy yourself!"

"And how the fuck am I supposed to do that, exactly?"

"Do what all the other immature children are doing and build a sand castle!"

"Ha ha Ha. Very funny. I'd rather die."

" I know you would, now go over there and build yourself a goddamn sandcastle so I don't have to listen to you complain all day." Kakuzu kicked Hidan and he went flying forward and landed face first in a heap of sand. Kakuzu pulled a newspaper out of nowhere and began reading.

"DAMMIT KAKUZU!" Screamed Hidan from the pile of sand.

Itachi walked toward the water, dived right in and immediately began swimming around.

Kisame on the other hand was slowly making his way toward the water. He cast his gaze left and right every few seconds nervously checking for people. When he finally got close enough to the water he hopped in with a large splash. Then he finally relaxed and was floating around.

Sasori slowly approached the water, unsure whether to get in or not. He was calculating the chances the salt water would damage his puppet. _Well if I do take it in, I'd have to consider how much pressure it could take,well, it should be fine, considering the primary purpose of it is combat, but then again what if the salt water compromises some of the weapons components or seals.. Why am I even considering going in anyway? It's not as if I feel anything...then again the ocean is eternal..'_

_ WHUNK!_

A stray beach ball smacked Sasori upside the head as he stood debating whether or not to go in, knocking him into the water with a large splash.

"Omigosh I am like so sorry!" A random bikini chick ran up grabbed the beach ball and left.

Sasori floated staring straight up at the sky with an expression that seemed to be pleading why me.

Ler ran towards the water and jumped right in making a large splash. When she arose a piece of seaweed got stuck in her hair. _damn seaweed'_ she pulled it out and dove under water.

Kisame was inconspicuously floating along, trying his best to blend in. He looked over at the Uchiha. He seemed to effortlessly glide through the water as he swam laps to the buoy and back. Kisame sighed._ Itachi is so badass at everything, why am I not quite as badass as he is. I need to work on my badassery.._

"AAAH!" Kisame jumped up.

Something had bitten Kisame's leg. He looked down in an attempt to see what it was but the water was cloudy from the sand that he accidentally kicked up. He saw a shadow in the water. His eyes got wide. Then it was gone. Kisame shrugged and went back to floating and enjoying the sensation of the waves and thinking of ways to improve his badassery.

*CHOMP*

"AAAH!"

Kisame visibly jumped up and then stared into the water.

Nothing.

The Uchiha stared at Kisame then went back to laps. Kisame stuck his head underwater expecting to see something.

" AAAH!"

He jumped up again, this time it had gotten him from behind. At this point Kisame was freaking out. What fish in their right mind would be crazy enough to bite a shark? _'It's probably fucking' huge'_ Kisame became nervous and was turning in a circle trying to prevent any more sneak attacks.

"AAAH!"

Something dove out of the water and tackled Kisame. The Uchiha glanced back over to where Kisame was but he was gone. He shrugged, then went back to his laps.

Kisame was under water and was looking around for what had tackled him. It was Ler. She was giggling, which is hard to do considering they're under water. He went to retaliate. Ler looked behind her and saw Kisame gaining on her. Her eyes bulged and she kicked up as much sand as she could, then swam as quickly as she could towards the shore. She paddled as hard as she could and was almost there when she heard a sploosh behind her. Kisame was still on her tail. Her feet touched the floor and she ran as fast as she could through the heavy water. Her feet had just barely left the water.

"GRAAGH!"

Kisame came flying out of the water and tackled Ler to the ground. Her back hit the hard sand that had been compacted by the waves and she lost her breath. Kisame held her hands down above her head and barked at her.

"I'm part shark Girlie! The ocean is MY turf! MINE! Do you got that." Ler was still winded and was attempting to get her breath back. She glared at him.

"My _name _ is Lerdavian. *huff*huff* Not Girlie, or anything else. *huff*huff*..and I say we're on the beach now, therefore everything*huff**huff* is still fair game." A wicked smile crossed Lers face. Kisame looked at her confused for a second.

"You wouldn't dare..." His eyes got squinty and he lowered his face to hers.

"I would."

Ler inhaled deeply.

"SHAAAAAAAAAARK!" She screamed with all her might.

This cry immediatly caught the attention of the life guards. The Lead life guard jumped off of his podium and and blew his whistle, within a matter of seconds he had a crowd of random people following him.

"Damn, they're fast."Noted Kisame.

They were armed with sticks they had found and for some reasons baseball bats.

"WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET BATS!" Ler shrugged at Kisame then went back to yelling.

" HEELP A SHARKK!" Ler was flailing and kicking around.

" Shut up! Shut up!" Kisame clasped his hand over her mouth. He looked over at the crowd that was drawing nearer.

"DAMMIT! I really just want to be at the beach for ONCE in my life without dealing with an angry mob!" Ler began making noises that sounded like laughter, though Kisame couldn't tell because his hand was still over her mouth. She bit his hand and he moved it away from her mouth.

"Dammit!" Kisame exlaimed. Lerdavian knee'd him in the balls and he rolled over. _'ruin my fun, you damn fat shark,_ Ler puffed her cheeks out. The mob cam running over and a Lifeguard appeared at the front.

"He's right there!" She cried and pointed at Kisame who was rolling around on the ground. The crowd began beating him with sticks.

"AH!"

SMACK

"AHH!"

SMACK

"STOP-OWW!"

SMACK!

Ler laughed at the funny faces kisame was making. there was even a little kid yelling bad sharky and was smacking him with a toy shovel.

"OOF OW!"

SMACK

"AUGH!"

SMACK SMACK!

" MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP-AAH!"

SMACK!

"Only if you promise to be good."

SMACK!

"FINE WHATEVER! AAH!"

SMACK!

Ler went over to the Life guard and pulled on his sleeve.

"Mr.! Mr! That's my pet sir! He was just being a little bad! Thank you so much for helping me with him! He's just a little unruly sometimes!He means well honest!"

The Lifeguard gave her a puzzled look and then stopped the rest of the mob.

" Okay people okay! Our jobs done here, Let's go! I have a beach to patrol!"

"Daaaw!" The crowd sighed and then slowly left dragging their sticks behind them. A little boy ran up to Kisame kicked him and then ran off.

"They're just racist against me cuz I'm blue." whined Kisame as he rubbed one of his bruises.

"You also have gills and are damn fat like a damn shark."

"Racist!"

"Being a shark isn't a race! Being half shark is specist!"

"Racist, Specist same difference! You hate me because I'm blue!"

Ler crossed her arms and stared down at Kisame.

"You're forgetting something important here sharky boy."

"And what the hell is that?"

"You promised to be a good boy." An evil grin crossed her face.

"Uh.." Kisame stared up at her blankly.

"If you aren't a good little sharky-warky.."

" Yes, Definitely I'm the best godamn shark in the world, now go away."

"Good." Ler walked by and patted him on the head. He was angry, but he had grown an "thing" for Ler. I would say the "thing" he was growing had the resemblance of a chia pet. Although it wasn't green. It just you know..is.

" You know Kisame.." began Ler.

"What."

" Your face is like a billboard.."

"Huh?"

" You advertise every single one of your thoughts upon it."

"Hah!" Kisame scoffed.

" Don't worry about your Samehada. it'll be back to normal in good time."

" ...and I'm supposed to believe that?"

"You should."

He scoffed.

"Well the last time I used that Jutsu..hmm was when I was moving from my old place to my new place and then *counts on fingers* hmm I don't remember which Jutsu I used to make stuff go back...What was it, growthy,,rampant..hmm...no too steroidsy. Or maybe it wore off on its own...nah..to inconvenient...hmm.." Ler forgot about Kisame and was thinking about that moving day a few years ago.

Kisame sweat-dropped.

Ler saw Tobi building a sand castle and felt the sudden desire to join him.

"I WANNA BUILD A SAND CASTLE!" She ran over to Tobi, mowing over Kisame as she did. Kisame sweat-dropped and stared at the sky.. At that moment the Uchiha got out of the water and stood on the beach staring in the direction of Ler and Kisame.

"...my shark.." He mumbled, then went to go sit on his towel.

"Yaay! Does Ler-chan want to help Tobi make a sand castle?"

"I have a better idea. Let's have a competition. Get all the other people and come back Tobi huh!"

"Kaaay!" Tobi hopped up and began trying to get the other akatsuki to build sand castles. Deidara said no and kicked him in the face, Kakuzu ignored him, Zetsu was planting it up in the sun, Hidan punched him and Leader was asleep. Konan, and the Uchiha decided to join. Sasori wasn't allowed to play because it was decided that because he was from Sunagakure and he would have an unfair advantage.

"What are the rules?" inquired Konan.

"Whoever has the coolest sand castle wins! Okay Go!"

They all began building.

Itachi's was rectangular, with a large Keep, konans was in the shape of a rounded flower that seemed to blossom upwards, Tobi's was a single little turret with a big starfish on top, Ler's had a courtyard and a moat as well as a keep.

"How old are you shit-heads! 5?!" Called Hidan obnoxiously from where he was standing.

" I remember when I was your age and i wasn't as stupid as you!" Hidan Laughed obnoxiously.

"Yeah you were stupider" Yelled Ler. She grabbed the starfish off of Tobi's castle and threw it like a shuriken at his head.

"FUCK!"

Bullseye.

"Shut up Hidan I'm trying to read the paper."

"That bitch just threw a fucking starfish at my head!"

"She's probably inviting you to go play sand castles."

" I AM NOT PLAYING FUCKING SAND CASTLES!"

"Just go over there and quit complaining." Kakuzu used one of his tentacles and tossed the Jashinist at the group.

"DAMMIT KAKUZU!" Hidan stood up and stormed angrily over to where the others were.

"Fuck you and your sand castles!" He proceeded to stomp on everyone else's sand castles.

"Aww Hidan destroyed Tobi's sand castle." Tobi's shoulders slumped.

"Now the sand princess is a hobo.."

"Serves you right!" Yelled Hidan.

"It's okay you can make another castle Tobi." Ler patted him on the shoulder.

"Not if I can help it." He kicked sand in Lers face. She shut her eyes and brushed the sand out of her face.

"You're just jealous because we're better at it than you and our sandcastles were bad ass." Ler glared at Hidan.

"Like hell you guys could ever make anything more bad ass than me!"

"Then prove it."

"Like hell I will!"

"Do it!"

"No!"

"Wuss!"

"Am not!"

"Chicken!"

"AM NOT!"

"You're just upset cuz we're better than you! " Ler sneered.

"Am not! Now watch this and be amazed bitches!" Hidan snatched Tobi's sand bucket and shovel and proceeded to build a something.

"THE COMPETITIONS BACK ON EVERYONE GO!" Shouted Ler and they all went back to rebuilding their demolished sand castles. Meanwhile Deidara was chatting up some ladies when he noticed the Uchiha building a sand castle. _ That damn uchiha is not going to be better than me at everything! Especially not something so childish and stupid!'_

"Excuse me Ladies. You see the guy over there in the mask?"

"Yes?"

"He's my younger brother and he's a little bit slow and funny in the head, I'm going to go play a game with him then I'll be right back. Okay? uhn." Deidara Ran off.

"Okay Deidara-kun." Replied the 3 Ladies that were there. At that moment Kakuzu walked up to the bar and says to the bartender, ( It's like the beginning of a terrible Joke I know) well he really just ordered a drink. Rum and probably pineapple juice...Or was it vodka...meh.

" So what are you doing here gramps?" asked one of the lady's.

"I'm stuck on a stupid vacation with a bunch of morons and idiots. Alcohol seems like the best way to make this better. The Captains Special too please. " He asked the bartender for anther drink.

"My Sand castle is the most bad ass of them all!" Declared Hidan, as he stood back from his creation. It wasn't that great looking in all honesty. It was a large pile of sand with a poorly made flag on top, there was some effort put forth to make turrets but was abandoned half way through.

"Bow before my greatness bitches!" Itachi and konan Sweatdropped.

"Meh." said Ler.

" Did you just Meh my badassery!"

"Meh"

"Dammit it's awesome! now give me the godamn prize."

"We haven't voted Yet!"

'Does Ler-chan like Tobi's sand castle?"

" It's fantastic! Hidan sit down!"

" No My castle is the best how dare you insult my great creation!"

Konan and Itachi face-palmed.

At that moment Deidara came marching over.

"Hey! You! girly-headed-fuck! Tell them my castles the best!"

"Hell no!"

Deidara turned and yelled at itachi.

"Your sand castles can't be better than mine!" And he threw a wad of his clay right in the middle of all of the sand castles.

"DON'T YOU DARE YOU GIRLY HEADED FU-"

"KATSU!"

BANG!

A rain of sand fell on everyone.

"YOU ASSHOLE! THAT WAS MY FUCKING MASTER PIECE!" Hidan began chasing Deidara around trying to beat the hell out of him.

"Well, so much for a competition." sighed Ler.

"Aww Tobi was having fun but then mean Deidara-Senpai ruined his castle."

"Well, I'm going to the bar.." Declared Ler. Konan shrugged.

"I'll join you.." she added.

"Tobi wants to play more."

"Okay.."

Itachi shrugged.

Ler began walking over to the bar, when out of the corner of her eye Ler saw a figure that looked vaguely familiar. _' ...that ass..' _ she thought. She strained to remember. She threw a rock at the person and they turned around.

"Az!" She cried out in surprise. He was wearing his usual hat and mask but was wearing swim trunks and eyeliner this time around.

Az slowly turned around and then looked at Ler. He chuckled before speaking.

" You know not many women are able to get the better of me!"

"...heh..yeah.."

" I did not think that someone in your line of work would get out very often though."

"Well, you see ...I decided..that's not exactly what I wanted to do with my life and so i uh...left"

"Hah, I have caught word of some of the story, though I left shortly after I awoke. The owner had insisted that he provide me with a..well...an extra-opportunity on the house, but I rather wanted to leave. He didn't tell me what exactly had happened, but considering your room was empty and how I have found you here, I am not surprised."

"Heh,yeah"

Ler wasn't sure what to say, she still found this man incredibly attractive despite the circumstances of how they became acquainted with one another._  
_

"Soo..that mask.." began Ler.

" Do you always wear it? Are you hiding something? Is it a scar or a birthmark or a growth or a tumor or a bad tattoo that you have from one night you went drinking with your friends and you don't remember what happened at all and didn't realize you had it until the next day when you looked into the mirror?" Ler slapped her hand over her mouth, her face was red with embarrassment.

"Hah, no. you are quite strange."

He chuckled then grasped the side of the mask and prepared to unclasp it. Ler watched intently her eyes growing wider. The mask dropped and he took off the hat. Ler's jaw dropped. He had well defined eyebrows, a soft jawline and short shiny black hair that was messy and a little spiky at the top.

"My god you're beautiful! I don't know whether to worship you, hump you to death or gouge my eyes out content that you'd be the last thing I'd see!"

"Well, that's an interesting compliment, I think I found your poetry more enjoyable though." He laughed.

"..uh..I mean...If you were a God I would throw countless innocent virgins into fiery volcanoes for you, . If you were a cow, beef would always be what's for dinne-I mean uh-GODDAMMIT! I should just shut up now.." Ler was blushing intensely.

Az proceeded to laugh.

" A little tongue tied are we now?" He chuckled.

Ler was scolding herself._'dammit! Why couldn't I just shut up! Why does he have to be so damn hot! Stupid Stupid Stupid!' _She facepalmed.

"I do believe you have something of mine." Ler seemed lost for a minute before she realized what he was talking about.

"Oooohhh! Right! Give me a second." Ler ran over to where her stuff was by Konan and Leader and grabbed his weapons belt.

"Here you go...heheh...sorry about the scratches and dents."

"...ah..." He looked at his weapons, confused about how she could have probably banged them up.

"..ah..you can keep them..consider it a gift.."

"Would you like to join me at the bar?" Offered Az.

"Actually I was just heading there myself."

"Oh really? Well then let me escort you."

Ler and HFG began walking towards the tiki bar. Konan was already enjoying some sort of colorful mixed drink, Kakuzu was attempting to get drunk and was wondering why the trio of young chicks wouldn't leave him the hell alone. Itachi was sitting quietly enjoying a small cup of iced tea, Kisame accompanied the Uchiha and ordered something called a Blue Shark, challenging it's worthiness of the title. Deidara had finally escaped from Hidan and was storming over to where Kakuzu and the chicks were, he was probably angry that Kakuzu had somehow managed to steal his small crowd away, Leader had since moved to sit at the bar and had ordered the Captains special. Ler and HFG Arrived at the bar and sat down. At that moment Hidan noticed that the whole gang was over at the bar and stormed over there, loud and angry as ever, While an additional trio of bikini chicks carried Sasori off somewhere.

So the Akatsuki walk into a bar...

**To be honest I wasn't sure where to end this one, or if it's funny enough. meh**

**Review so I can get a better Idea of what the hell I'm doing, yaaaay.**

**"Is uncle Kuzu-kun back with my beer yet?"**

**SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**"Since when can narrators yell at their characters!"**

**SINCE NOW! **

**"WHERE'S MY VODKA!"**

**"Go away Hidan! you smell like farts and doritos!"**

**"I do not!"**

**"You're right you smell worse!"**

**"TAKE THAT BACK!" *Dives at Ler***

**Oh boy. *rubs temples***

**"Kakuzu's not even back yet you Idiot!" *kicks him in the face***

**"Fuck!" *rubs temples.**

**Bye bye now...*sighs***


	11. Royalty?

"I'll have the captains grog." The bartender quickly scribbled something down then looked at Az.

"...and for you sir?"

"Landlubber's special." The bartenderput the notepad away and receeded back into the bar area.

"So, what exactly are you doing here?"

"Waiting for the bartender to give me my drink." He smiled and Ler shot him a not amused look.

"I mean in..." Ler just realized she had no idea what town she was in. Her eyes grew wide.

"In..uh.." She scratched her head.

"You mean in Humas ?"

"Uh, yeah..Hummus." Az leaned one elbow on the counter.

"This is a popular vacation spot for my people."

"Your people...?"

"We hail from Kaze no Kuni, this is one of several popular vacation spots for us." Az rested his elbows on the bar clasped his hands together.

"ah."

"So are you going to be around here long?"

"No. Unfortunately not. We must be heading back soon." A dark expression shadowed his face.

"We who?" Asked Ler.

"We..." At that moment the bikini girls that were next to Kakuzu and Deidara noticed Az (HFG) and came running over.

"Ouji-Sama! We were like totally looking all over for you!" The bikini chicks crowded around HFG.

"You're a prince!" exclaimed Ler.

"Actually I am a sheikh...Girls! I was merely making light conversation with a friend of mine." HFG laughed uncomfortably. The blue bikini chick (**_she_ **wasn't actually blue it's just the color of her bikini...lol) shot a disproving glance at Lerdavian before looking back at him.

"But Ouji-sama! We're much beter looking than she is! How can you stand spending time with such a filthy tom-boyish mongrel?"

Ler's eyebrow began twitching and a large vein began to make it's appearance on her head.

"Girl's please!" They were tugging on his arm trying to get him to go with them (not to mention their boobies were all up against him..blegh). He raised up his arm.

" At least let me finish my drink."

"Awww! But this is a filthy little beach bar! Wouldn't you rather have something made by us?" A particularly large vein appeared on the Bartenders head but he said nothing.

"Girls!"

Deidara who had been standing near Kakuzu threatening to blow him up for*ahem* _'Stealing all his godamn chicks, uhn!_ , left abruptly when he finally noticed that the chicks had migrated over to some guy on the other side of the bar, so Kakuzu was finally able to enjoy his alcohol in peace and he looked relieved.

"Hey you! What do you think you're doing?I was talking to them first, hm!" Az cast a glance in Deidara's direction and smiled.

"I'm sorry sir, I was not aware of any such thing."

"..well, the ladies and**_ I_** were discussing art..." Deidara's eyebrow was twitching.

"Come one Ouji-Sama, Let's go! I don't want to be around filthy peasants all day!" The yellow bikini chick pulled on HFG's other arm causing him to tilt dangerously backwards in the barstool.

"Ah!" Cried HFG as he flailed his arms around trying to catch his balance.

"Careful Ouji-Sama! You'll hurt yourself!" Cried the red bikini girl who caught him and pushed him back up onto the chair.

Deidara began tapping his foot irately.

"Girls! Please come on! uhn" Pleaded Deidara.

"Eww! Ouji-Sama! This filthy peasant is talking to us! Make him go away Ouji-Sama!"

"Ladie's please settle down!" A large vein made it's appearance on Deidaras head.

At that moment Hidan came running up to them.

"THERE YOU ARE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Hidan tackled Deidara to the floor.

The ladies gasped (I feel tempted to call them beach whores...).

"Hidan get off!" Deidara kicked at him.

"Prepare to become enlightened in the ways of Jashin you girly headed Fuck!" Hidan leaned his head back and cackled.

The bikini chicks gasped.

"Idiot" Deidara punched him in the Jaw.

"Fuck!"

...and gasped again.(I guess they don't hear profanity that often...*shrugs*)

"You have no respect for art or beauty!" Deidara kicked Hidan again knocking him off.

"KATSU!"

BANG!

There was a small explosion and a dust cloud where Hidan was on the ground. The girls shrieked.

"AAAH!"

"EEEEE!"

"AIIEEE!"

"OUJI-SAMA SAVE US!" They clung on to him tightly as the dust settled. Ler's eyebrow was still twitching.

"Ouji Sama are you all right?" Another trio of bikini girls came running up. (Lavender, white, and pink if you must know.) They were carrying something above their heads.

"Oh Ouji-Sama! Look at what we found washed up on the beach!" The girls had been carrying Sasori around and he had been put into some sort of fancy sheer robe. He did not seem pleased at all.

"Can we keep him! Can we! He's so cute Ouji-Sama!"At that moment Hidan looked up from the ground and spat out a mouthful of sand.

"Where the fuck did all these bitches come from?"

They all gasped.

"AAHH! Make the vile man go away Ouji-Sama!" Az sighed and began rubbing his temples.

"Sir if you could please refrain from using such language around the ladies."

"I say whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want!" , said Hidan very matter-o-factly. The ladies gasped again. Ler face-palmed. _'He sounds like such a spoiled little brat'_

"and who the fuck are you to tell me what to do anyway!" Hidan retorted.

"Hidan you're upsetting the Ladies, uhn!" growled Deidara.

"Shut the fuck up you girly-man!" smirked Hidan. Deidara threw another piece of clay at Hidan.

"Fuck!" cried Hidan as a rain of sand began to fall.

"AHhh! Ouji-Sama!" The girls cried as the cringed closer to him. They were practically smothering Sasori as they huddled around HFG. Deidara noticed him in the mix and cried out.

"Hey you can't take that!" He ran over and grabbed Sasori and returned to where he was standing.

"So I'm an object now." Sighed Sasori.

"We found it fair and square!" Cried the bikini girls.

Sasori sighed.

"As a non artist, you could never understand!"

"Ouji-Sama! He took our new play thing!Make him give it back." HFG sighed once more and he drunk deeply from his glass.

Hidan got up from the ground and tackled Deidara again.

" Dammit Deidara! Being blown up fucking hurts!" He began trying to beat Deidara into a pulp. Ler sighed and chugged the rest of her drink and asked the barkeep for another.

"YOU WILL ALL KNOW THE WAY OF JASHIN-SAMA!GET READY TO FUCKIN' DIE!" Cried Hidan as he cackled.

"Sorry He's a little...er.. nuts.." Ler apologized expressionlessly to the girls and HFG.

"Shut up Hidan you're disturbing the ladies!" Deidara punched him in the face.

"Fuck!"

"Can't you just say ouch like normal people!"Deidara punched Hidan again.

"Fuck normal people!"And Hidan kicked Deidara in the balls.

"AUGH!" Deidara rolled over clutching his valuables.

"Ha"smirked Hidan.

"For a while I actually thought there wasn't anything down there." Hidan stood up and laughed.

"FUCK YOU HIDAN! -sorry Ladies- I'm going to to turn you into my biggest piece of art yet!" Deidara jumped up and tackled Hidan trying to shove a large amount of clay down his throat.

"Get the fuck off of me!" And the brawl continued...yay.

At that moment a man appeared out of nowhere and approached HFG. He was wearing a hat much like HFG's only his was an off white color and he wore a mask that obscured half of his face. He wore dark loose pants and an off-white loose shirt that was bound at the forearms with leather strips. His eyes were dark and intense and had lines on his face, his single visible eye brow was thick and dark and knitted into a very serious expression. He was tanned and was older than HFG, perhaps late mid 40's. His current expression seemed a mixture between displeased, irritated, and annoyed.

"Ouji-sama, I cannot afford you to go running off. You are well aware it is my duty to keep you safe."

"At ease Adham, I am merely having a little fun, and having a few drinks with my new friend." Az laughed and put his arm around Ler. Ler blushed slightly.

" Surely you cannot enjoy the presence of such uncouth and filthy individuals!" Adham glared at Hidan and Deidara who were *ahem* beating the crap out of each other. They stopped momentarily and gazed at Adham.

"Surely it is all in good fun!" replied Az. Ler sweat dropped. _'riight'_ she thought to herself and she took another swig of her beverage.

"GOOD FUN MY ASS!"Hidan punched Deidara right in the nose. Question answered. HFG chuckled.

"GYAH!" Deidara punched back and the brawl continued. Adham glared at the two.

"I cannot risk putting you in danger.I must insist that we go."

"Adham,just sit down and have a drink,a glass or two would probably do you some good." Adham scowled and looked around.

"Ouji-Sama, you cannot be seen with the likes of such.." Adham cast his harsh gaze briefly at the ground where Deidara and Hidan were punching each other.

"...heathens.."

"...The fuck did you just call me?!" Hidan snapped to attention at the word. Deidara punched him in the face.

" Fuck!"

The bikini girls cringed, Adham scowled,Ler face-palmed, and Az chuckled. _'oh dear'_ thought Ler.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

**So about the chia pet, uhm...think about microwaves. yeah.**

***door opens***

**"Uncle kuzu kun! You're back!" *jumps on Kakuzu***

**" GET THE HELL OFF!" *shakes leg***

**"GIMME MY VODKA!" * grabs at bag***

**" You idiots are going to make me drop everything!"**

**"Yeah, Get the fuck off of Kakuzu you freak!Then we won't be able to get drunk if he spills it all!"**

**"Hn." *Leave's room.***

**"I hate you all." *detaches Ler** puts bags of alcohol on ground.**leaves***

**"Yaay!" *grabs beer***

**"Imma get so drunk that even Itachi 's gonna pass out!"**

**"Hidan... Itachi doesn't drink..."**

**"That's just how drunk I'll be. Hell yeah!"*fist pumps* **

***face-palms***

**"Did someone say Itachi and pass out?"**

**"ORO GET THE HELL OUT!" -both-**

**" NOBODY LIKES YOU!" -hidan-**

**"YOU'RE CREEPY AND WEIRD!" *mouths call me* -Ler-**

**"GO HOME PLAY WITH YOUR FUCKING SNAKES!" -hidan-**

**"YEAH!"**

**"heheheh..I will..." *dissapears***

***both shudder* *stare at alcohol on ground***

**"LEt's GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"**

**"SOMEONE GRAB A JUKE BOX!"**

**"HELLYEAH!" **

**-sighs-They're Idiots...all of them...-face-palms.**


	12. Plotting

"LET ME AT HIM! HOW DARE HE CALL ME, A FOLLOWER OF THE GREAT JASHIN-SAMA, A HEATHEN!I'll TEAR HIS EYES OUT!LET ME GO!"

" As convincing as your argument is I'm going to have to say no..."Ler had her arms wrappd around Hidan.

"I'LL TEACH THAT IGNORANT FUCKER ALL ABOUT THE WAYS OF JASHIN!" Hidan was thrashing violently trying to break free.

"You're not helping your case..."Ler sighed.

"JUST LET ME GO!"

"HELL NO!" Deidara threw a piece of clay at his face and it exploded.

"FUCK!"

"I'm sorry about this Az and Add-Ham, He's..well...Hidan...yeah.."She sweat dropped.

"It's Adham..." he muttered irately.

Az laughed heartily."It is no problem at all!I find your friends liveliness quite enjoyable!"

The ladies and a few additional manservants appeared with a large veiled carriage. Az turned to leave.

" Well, till next time...What was your name again?"

"Lerdav-OOF-ian." Hidan had managed to elbow her in the nose.

"Hah, Lerdavian, I shall remember it." he winked.

" Come on Ouji-Sama!"cried one of the bikini girls.

Az waved then turned and climbed into the carriage. The man servants lifted it from the ground and ran off. Ler released Hidan. He spun around and punched her in the face.

" FUCKIN' BITCH! YOU LET THAT ASSHOLE GETAWAY!"

" You can't just go around sacrificing every person you see to Jashin!" Ler clutched her nose.

"Why the fuck not?" fumed Hidan. _  
_

"..especially not if they have a pack of hot chicks next to them! You ruined my chance of getting with any of those hot babes.."He chunked a piece of clay at his face again and it exploded. Ler sighed.

"FUCK! "

"It's not like you even had a chance, Idiot." Hidan crossed his arms.

" Who the hell would find a conversation about art interesting anyway." He glared at Deidara.

" They probably only talked to you because you look like a fucking chick anyway, all you're missing is the tits and the bikini." Hidan smirked.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Deidara charged.

A series of explosions went off.

"FUCK!" Hidan ran away from Deidara and they continued making chaos across the beach.

**Meanwhile...**

Kakuzu had drank quite a bit at this point and had convinced himself that the loud bangs he had heard were the echoes of the throbbing headache he had. He was resting his head on the cool bar counter and staring blearily at a stack of cups.

_'Half empty or Half full...' _Kakuzu thought.

The clear plastic multi-colored cups were stacked in a pyramid on top of the counter, the bright sun shone through them creating colorful figures on the counter top that changed shape every few seconds as waving branches alternately obstructed the light from above.

_'...What a stupid question.' _ He rolled his eyes.

" All that matters is the value of the cup itself. and the value of the liquid put inside." Muttered Kakuzu quietly.

"Everything else.." He yawned.

"...is secondary."He closed his eyes.

Leader was also doing about the same thing but was staring at a tiki face.

" Tikiti tiki tiki...why...is the sky so ..." His thoughts went blank.

The tiki face stared.

"Blue..."

Konan stuck her face in front of his line of view for a moment then pulled it away.

"Blue...Tikiti tiki why so blue...why not red like blood...or pink like candy..." He trailed off.

The tiki face stared.

"Or green like Zetsu...I wonder if Zetsu ever blooms..." Leader snickered then closed his eyes and began to drool on the counter.

" I wonder what those flowers would smell like..." The drool began forming a small puddle.

"Mmm candy...tikiti tiki..."

The tiki face stared.

**TIME LAPSE!**

" YOU MEAN THE GUY WAS A SHEIK AND YOU DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING!"

" There were a ton of hot chicks there, uhn, and I could've scored if it wasn't for the loud mouthed idiot over there.!"

" Fuck you Deidara!"

"The thought of taking him hostage didn't even cross your mind once?" Kakuzu was exasperated.

"All we have is that weird robe they put Sasori in.."added Ler. Sasori threw it at Kakuzu.

" Here, Take it, I have no use for such things.." He walked away. Kakuzu's greedy hands went over the fabric scrutinizing each and every detail.

" Why the hell didn't you take anything else His head could be worth a fortune, and just by examining this garment the ladies gave Sasori who knows how much more he's worth, not to mention his private assets and stock holdings!" Ler chuckled at the word assets.

" I was going to kill the bastard, but then these two assholes stopped me." Hidan jabbed a judging finger at Deidara and Lerdavian.

"You probably would have mutilated him and made him worthless anyway !" Kakuzu backhanded Hidan.

"Fuck!"

"Ler-chan what'sa sheik?" inquired Tobi.

"It's a guy who owns a shit ton of stuff and has a shit ton of money." Interrupted Hidan.

" Well aren't you a living dictionary.."scowled Deidara.

"You were talking to a sheik Tikiti tiki?" Leader had his figuring-things-the-fuck-out-glasses back on.

" Well...I didn't know he was a sheik.."

"Well then what the hell did you think he was?" shouted Kakuzu angrily.

"Fucking Hot." Ler began to drool and had a stupid expression on her face.

Everyone face-palmed.

Kakuzu ran over to where Ler was and grabbed her by the collar and began shaking her violently.

" Don't you have any Idea how much money I could have made if we turned him in?!"

"Don't you have any idea how much money I would have if I married him!" Ler retorted, she giggled to herself thinking about how hot he was. Kakuzu paused as he was shaking her,The little gears in his brain began turning.

turning...

turning..

turning.

click.

"YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Kakuzu embraced Ler, his eyes were money symbols. All of the other members seemed absolutely horrified at the thought of Kakuzu showing affection in any way shape or form.

" If you marry him, then you could get me all of his stock information and his bank account info and any other financial information, then I can steal you and make him pay ransom and then kill both of you if I wanted. Then when he's dead you can hook up with his friends and steal their financial information, or you can just cheat on him and get a head start!" Kakuzu dropped Ler and began greedily rubbing his hands together.

"Oh all the money I could make..."Kakuzu chuckled , sending shivers up almost everyones spine.

"So how did you even meet him?" questioned Deidara.

"Yeah~!" added Tobi.

" At the brothel" Ler pulled a swirly lollipop out of nowhere and began licking it.

" How the hell did you meet a fucking sheik at a brothel?"

"eh...Just lucky I guess." Ler shrugged and licked her lollipop.

"Tobi wants a lollipop can Tobi have a lollipop Ler-chan?" Tobi began jumping up and down near Ler.

" Meh" Ler pulled another large lollipop out of nowhere and licked it on one side and then plopped it on top of Tobi's head causing it to stick. Tobi ran off trying to get his lollipop off of his head.

"Aren't most guys who visit brothels ugly old men?" commented Deidara.

Ler shrugged.

"Hn."

" Curious indeed tikiti tiki..." trailed Leader nodding his head.

"You assholes kept me from killing her twice now, and now there's this sheik guy and Add-Ham or whatever the fuck his name is. When can I sacrifice somebody! Jashin-sama does not like to be kept waiting!" Hidan slammed his hands on the table.

" I see we need to come up with a new plan, Tikiti tiki." Leader rested his elbows on the meeting room table and folded his hands together.

"Umm why do you keep on saying that?" Kisame looked over at Leader.

"Saying what? Tikiti tiki?" Leader raised an eyebrow.

"Nevermind." Kisame sweat-dropped.

"Yeah it's like _Deidara-chan_ and and how he says unh all the fucking time."

" I DO NOT ,UNH!" Deidara threw a wad of clay at Hidans face and detonated it.

"FUCK!" Cried Hidan as the wad of clay blew off part of his face again.

" QUIT FUCKING DOING THAT!" Yelled Hidan. His face was half exploded. Kakuzu laughed.

" YOU SADISTIC OLD FUCK!" Kakuzu laughed again.

" You're one to talk." He smirked. Scary.

"Ahem" Leader cleared his throat drawing everyone's attention back to him.

" It seems we have to arrange these conflicting tikiti interests into our already existing plans. Incorporation is what is called tikiti tiki for."

"He's still doing it.." commented Ler as she quietly ate her lollipop.

"Give me that!" Hidan tried to swipe Ler's candy but she punched him in the face before he could.

"Fuck!"

" What an idiot he can't even take candy from a baby." Kakuzu chuckled.

" I'm not a baby, I'm just cute." replied Ler.

" Compared to me you are." Kakuzu chuckled again.

" Then you must be one dusty old mummy fart Uncle-Kuzu." She continued licking her lollipop, he crossed his arms and a large vein appeared on his head, he sighed.

"I would kill you if I didn't need you to get money.."

"I love you to uncle-kuzu kun." Ler hugged him and continued eating her lollipop. He was very pissed off but she detached by herself and he was fine.

" We must continue with our current travelling plans, but looking at how many tikiti tiki times she has encountered this man tiki within the past two days, logic dictates that we run a very high tikiti tiki chance of running into tiki him again. Where did you say he was from Lerdavian?"

" Uhh...Kaze no Kuni thingy place.." A strand of hair on top of her head was curling and uncurling as she thought then fell flat as she ended her sentence and went back to licking her lollipop. this earned several confused stares from the other members.

"Hm. We have some tiki tiki places along our trip that should lead us out that way tikiti tiki tiki, We shall arrange tiki to see what we can do to meet up with this _Sheik_ tiki tiki of yours. If we tiki can manage to collect some more informationtiki tiki tik about this man then we can perhaps implement tiki tiki tiki some part of Kakuzu's plan. Any extra money is bound to be helpful."

" WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

" Once tiki we tiki drain all possible value tiki tiki from our targets, then tikiti tikithey are kitiki tikiti yours."

" FUCK YEAH!"

" I think leaders speech thing is getting worse, unh." Deidara sweat-dropped.

" Tikiti tiki What? tikitiktikitktiik tik.?" The tikitkikti sounds sounded like a stutter. Konan walked up behind him and karate chopped him on the back of the head.

"TIKIKtIKK iKiK KKKkkkkrktikitk!" He sputtered.

" I think Konan broke Leader.." noted Kisame.

"Hn." Itachi shrugged.

** This plan...it's going to turn out terrible...i just know it.** ** Maybe I should remind myself not to let my script ninjas get into the alcohol, It makes the script like a bad novella. This is only going to end in tragedy...**

**"Did someone say alcohol?!" **

**You should be passed out by now...**

**" Fuck you I'm Immortal!"**

***loud dance music plays***

**"Did someone say alcohol?"**

**Not you too...you're supposed to set a good example or something.**

*** stops dancing and looks up***

**" You want me to what?"**

***sighs* Nevermind.**

***shrugs and starts dancing again***

**"AKATSUKI!"**

**" WHO LET THOSE KONOHA FUCKS IN HERE!" - surprised-**

**" I AM SHIKIMARU NARA! YOU KILLED MY SENSEI PREPARE TO DIE!"**

*** stabs***

**" LOL YOU CAN't KILL ME I HAVE SELF REZ!" * laughs***

**NO! BAD HIDAN! No game references!**

**" Hey this music rocks!"**

**" I know right"**

**"You're not Akatsuki!" **

***shrugs***

***both start dancing***

**" Naruto! Get back Here!"**

*** both continue dancing***

**Sighs. Well what can I expect.**

**I'm moving today and tommorrow so it'll take a little while before i write again.**

***bottle smashes***

**" YOU ASSHOLE THAT WAS MINE!"**

**sighs.**


End file.
